Falling

            I ride my bike, I ski, I hike… but I never push myself because I’m afraid of falling. I’ve been skiing every winter since I was about five, yet I’ve never ventured onto a black diamond run. Most people my age in my town who ski can confidently conquer double black diamond runs. And to be honest, I should have been able to progress to the harder runs, but I’ve always been afraid. A million different scenarios and bad endings race through my head. So I stick to the runs I’ve known for years. I’ve only fallen about three times since middle school, and that was because my boots didn’t fit into my bindings right, so that didn’t have anything to do with my skiing or the difficulty.

            I’m not really trying to blab about skiing, sorry about that. But I find that this fear of falling carries through to other aspects of my life. I don’t “put myself out there” because I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. I don’t try new things or meet new people or do things I’m not good at. There is a lot I avoid so I don’t fall.

            I’ve had a crush on this guy for almost a year (Yes, this blog is kind of about a guy. Sorry, I’m a nineteen year old girl, I can’t help it!). I see him around campus almost every day and when we run into each other this is how our conversation goes:

            Him: “Hi <insert name here>”

            Me: “Hi”

            Him: “How are ya?”

            Me: “Good, how are you?

            Him: “Good.”

            It’s just riveting, isn’t it? Now, I know, I could use some serious work in my people skills. Half the time when I say hi to people (including Him) all that comes out is a quiet squeak. I’ve always thought that’s just my shyness creeping in, which it is. But lately I’ve been wondering why that shyness still exists.

            I was always a quiet kid. I never left my mom’s side, not even at family parties. I’m not a touchy person, I don’t talk much, and I don’t express about my feelings or thoughts (blogging doesn’t count). I’ve always felt that it was easier to talk to my dog than kids at school and I was never even close to being semi-almost-kinda popular (i.e. I was rather unpopular).

            But I wonder if there’s a point when my shyness stopped being a characteristic and started being an escape. Lots of people are able to outgrow their timid nature. My shyness only got bad in about 8th grade and peaked my sophomore year in high school. But for the last three years I’ve really felt like I’ve made strides becoming more friendly and outgoing and quieting the voices in my head that tell me that no one likes me and no one wants me around (not literal voices, I’m not that crazy). I feel like I reverted a bit this summer, being in my hometown and not having any friends there sucks. But I think I’m back on the road to working on my problems and improving myself.

            This post wasn’t really supposed to be about shyness, or skiing, or even a guy; but I think the point I’m trying to make is that so much in my life decided by fear. My shyness, my inability to push myself, and my failure to show my feelings is all driven my fear.

            Maybe, if I can overcome my irrational instinct to fear everything the rest of my life will fall into place. Now, I just need to figure out how to overcome that darn fear! Maybe a subject for another completely random disjointed blog =).

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