Unfriended

I’m a bit heartbroken, and it’s kind of pathetic why. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

            Two years ago I met a guy in one of my freshman classes. I was very attracted to him, like more attracted than I have ever been to any guy ever. And it’s not because he’s some gorgeous sex god. What I am going to say (write) next is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever said, but this is how attracted I was to him: I felt like if God had made someone especially for me it was this guy. And I’m not even a very religious person.

            When I get a crush on a guy I fall really hard, really fast and I like them for a really long time (I’m talking several years). The stupid thing is, I fall for them for really stupid reasons. It’s not like I get to really know these guys and become friends with them and I feel like I know them inside out. I see them in class, I might make small talk with them before or after class, we say hi in the halls or whatever. That’s about it. And based on that little bit of information and what I can gather from Facebook stalking (I’ll talk about this later) I get a massive undying crush on them. It’s stupid and illogical and I hate myself for it, but that’s just how it happens for me. Maybe this is why I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc.

            So, I knew this guy in class and we talked every once in a while. I added him as a friend on Facebook (which was actually really hard for me to do and I felt very bold, like I’d made some big move. That’s about as bold as I get) and he accepted. He occasionally Facebook chatted with me (just about homework) and I had only been on the site for a few months so I thought this was a certain sign that he liked me. He even asked me if he could get a ride somewhere while I was driving home for a long weekend. I was super excited, but he cancelled. That was a long time ago, while we still had a class together.

            After that class ended he kept saying hi to me for like a whole year whenever I would see him on campus. After a while it just got awkward and we barely ran into each other and never spoke. He still smiles when I walk past him, but it’s just friendly. I’m not going to lie, this whole time I’ve been watching his Facebook rather closely to see if he was still single (he is, and has been through this whole thing) and honestly, because he’s really cute and I would look at his pictures sometimes. Not in a perverted way, just in a I wish I had the courage to make a move kind of way. Maybe a bit creepy, sure. But it was just innocent Facebook stalking, we all do it sometimes. I just did it perhaps a bit more often.

            So, I have had a massive crush on this guy for two years. I was just thinking about how much I would like to go to a party, get drunk (for the first time ever), and tell him how much I like him (see my previous post, I just wrote it like an hour before I wrote this, before I went on Facebook). I was listening to sappy love songs (thank you Colbie Caillat) and day dreaming when I went on Facebook. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked on his pictures, and it said “_____ only shares some information with everyone. If you know _____ add him as a friend”. I was initially confused, thinking but we are friends. Then I realized: I had been unfriended. By the guy who I have had a massive crush on for two years.

            I really want to say I understand why he unfriended me, it’s not like we talk or hang out. But the thing is, this guy has hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I know he can’t possibly be actual friends with all of them. So, I don’t understand it, at all. Why did he unfriend me? I thought maybe he was weeding through his friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And why would he even bother to unfriend me at all? If my posts were annoying he could have just made it so they don’t show up on his news feed (I doubt all of his friends’ posts show up anyway, because that would be A LOT). So I’m a bit worried that one of those stupid “see who has been looking at your Facebook” things has actually worked, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. If it is possible though, I might as well go into hiding now. If that’s not it, then why? I can’t help but take it personally.

            And I’m pissed. Not at this guy (Ok, maybe a little), but at myself. I’m so mad at myself for doing the same thing I always do: allowing myself think that something is possible that isn’t. I actually thought that this guy might have liked me at some point, and I thought that it might be possible that he still liked me. When you never see someone, you can make stuff up and you will have nothing to prove you wrong. But now I know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t like me. And he probably never did.

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