Being 20: Thongs, Coffee, Seductive Cigarettes, and Growing Up

            Today I acted my age for the first time in my life. I’m always shocked to find that I am older than most of my friends in college (whether by a few months or a few years) because I perpetually feel like I am sixteen, when I am actually twenty. I honestly do not know why I feel this way, and I’m not going to try to figure it out. But today I decided that I’m going try to change it.

            Today I bought a thong. It’s times like these when I remember why I love having a completely anonymous blog. There is no chance in hell that I am telling anyone about my little shopping venture. I realize that this shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is to me. And I even purchased them without blushing, although I did go out of my way to find a female cashier and I couldn’t quite make eye contact.

I suppose this landmark achievement on its own isn’t enough to make me a real adult (or even a real college student – I don’t think I’ll be a real adult for a while), but it got even better. At the end of class – the last day of my favorite class of the year: creative writing – after our professor had left, several of us sat around drinking soda and just talking. Well, not just talking, we were actually all making out with each other… Just kidding! We weren’t even touching, I just couldn’t resist. But we were in fact talking about mushrooms and promiscuous teachers. Definitely not my typical conversation – as such, I wasn’t really contributing, just listening and looking thoroughly surprised.

I left class with one of my close friends and I guy from class. As we all talked he smoked a cigarette and I drank soda from a paper cup. In that moment I couldn’t help but feel like I could be walking back from a party drinking beer from a red plastic cup. That’s just how it felt. Every step full of possibility and energy.

I could suddenly see why it was possible to romanticize cigarettes. The smell, which would usually make me cough and roll my eyes in disgust, floated lightly through the air and I was mystified by the fact that I hadn’t even noticed him pull out the cigarette and light it. It was just suddenly there, between his rough fingers, as if it had always been there. And there was something seductive about the way that he held it to his lips.

I said goodbye to this guy and felt like we were on even turf. I never feel like that with guys, ever. I always feel like they are these otherworldly beings who know so much more than me. Tonight, I felt like we were just two college students. I can’t believe I felt like this with a guy who smokes cigarettes, talks about mushrooms and acid, studies philosophy, and towers over me by at least a foot. Not that all any of those things are something to aspire to.

After we parted, I went and bought a cup of coffee and returned home to blog. And I haven’t spoken to my mother in two whole days (kind of a personal record). So, I’m feeling pretty mature right now.

I kind of like the feeling of being twenty. I think I would like to feel like this every day.


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