I Do Not Know What I Want

Sometimes you have revelations at the oddest of moments. This past week I got to re-unite with my “old college friends” (OK, it’s only been 3 months since I graduated) at my alma mater. And I did a lot of thinking while I was there. I thought I knew what I wanted for my future, but maybe I don’t.

I loved seeing my friends – some of whom had graduated with me this past fall, and some of whom have one more year. But it just felt so different than it had when we were all students. There was strangeness in the air. A feeling that we could never go back to the way it had been. That doesn’t mean that our friendship cannot one day become even stronger than they ever were before, just that it will never be like it was.

You know that saying “you can never go home”? That saying finally made sense to me four years ago when I can home from college for the first time. And it makes sense to me once again. My university was my home. And as I drove toward the bell tower I felt like I was returning home. But the feeling quickly faded into something different. A feeling that I just didn’t quite belong anymore.

And this all made me think: I really want to go back to school. I don’t want it to be over. I know that grad school would never be the same, I wouldn’t be with the same people and I wouldn’t be in the same city. But it would be school. And school is familiar. I’ve gone to school every fall since I was five years old and this is the first fall I haven’t eagerly packed my backpack up and headed to class.

And this got me thinking about making decisions and what factors I want to influence my decision making. There were two main things that I thought about: Grad School and Boyfriends. An odd match, but hey, my brain is unpredictable.

#1. Grad School (Law School to be specific):

I can’t make this decision based on a fear of the unknown. If I go to law school my life is pretty much plotted out (at least more than it is now). School would be a change and a challenge for sure, but it would be predictable. If I don’t go to law school I have no idea how long I’ll be stuck working at the deli, I have no idea what will come next or where I will end up. I have no idea if the career path I choose will work out (though, that can also be said for law school). I love the idea of living in a college town with other students and going to class every day. I do not love the idea of endless job applications with no guarantee of a better job. I want to go to law school, simply because I want to go back to school. That’s not a good enough reason. I need to want to be a lawyer, and I simply don’t know right now.

#2. Boyfriends:

I’m 22 and have never been in a relationship, and I feel like I’m getting close for the first time in my life. It’s a guy I’ve known since high school and who I re-connected with this summer at work. Now he’s gone back to school and we’ve been talking a lot on Facebook and Skype. While he was here, there was no doubt in my mind that I had a huge crush on him and wanted to be with him. But my feelings have been weakening since he left. If my feelings are shrinking now, how on Earth would I maintain a long-distance relationship if one began?

And why do I want a boyfriend anyway? Yeah, I’m 22 and I haven’t had one yet. So what? Who says that’s unacceptable? Media? Society? My peers? I want to have the experience, to check it off my list so that I can move on. Is that a good enough reason?

But maybe I’m just afraid of the unknown again. How am I supposed to know if I want a boyfriend if I never have one? I like being single. Single is familiar and easy. A relationship would come with its own benefits I’m sure, but it wouldn’t be easy, especially long-distance.

Conclusions:

  1. I think too much
  2. I suck at making decisions
  3. I do not know what I want
  4. When in doubt, go with the brave decision – that is what I have decided to do
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2 thoughts on “I Do Not Know What I Want

  1. Don’t think so much. When you think a lot you get in trouble. Take each day at a time. Don’t rush to be in a relationship. 22 is not bad. Don’t go to law school if you don’t want to be a lawyer. There are other programs.

    • You’re totally right about my thinking too much. But as far as law school and my career is concerned, I feel like planning ahead is a necessity. I definitely need to look more thoroughly at my other options, though. Thanks for your comment! =)

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