The Things That Are Bothering Me

Once again I am blogging when I should be going to bed. But something is bothering me, and I can’t even really pin down what it is. But I know that it’s something because I’m listening to a single sad song on repeat. That’s always a sure sign.

It could be that I’m unsure about my decision to apply to grad school. A year from now I could be working toward a Master’s degree and student teaching at a high school. I’m certainly not ready for that right now, and I can’t see myself being ready in a year. I still look like a high schooler! How am I supposed to teach them?

It could be that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. There’s no manual on how to apply to grad school (ok, there probably is, but it is not in my possession and I don’t have time to read it). I emailed three professors asking for letters of recommendation, and the only one to respond basically said that I was doing it wrong. I didn’t even know there was a way to do it wrong!

It could be that despite the possibility of going back to school, the reality is that I’m still working a dead-end, soul-draining job in a sandwich shop. And I still feel like a failure. And I still don’t know when I’ll be able to quit.

It could be that even though I’m the closest I’ve ever been to being in a relationship, I don’t know if I really want it anymore. And I’m frankly worried that I’m incapable of loving someone in a romantic sort of way. I like this guy, but I’m already starting to get bored and we’re not even official. And this whole long-distance thing is already wearing me down.

It could be that I’m mad at myself for not trying harder, or being more persistent, or sticking to my goals, or having more self-control. I’m not applying for many jobs. I’m not keeping my room even moderately clean. And I’m not losing any weight.

I’m happy… but I’m also unhappy.

There are a lot of possibilities for great things to happen. But nothing great is actually happening right now. And I feel like it’s all my fault.

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I’m… Going Back to School?

After months of trying to decide what to do with my life I have finally made a decision. Ok, so I still don’t know for sure what I want to do for the rest of my life. That’s a tough question for a 22 year old. But I’ve decided on something to do for the next couple of years that won’t drive me absolutely crazy.

Law school is out. Pursuing a career in publishing is out (at least for the next 2 years). And working in a deli for the rest of my life was never in.

So, what’s next?… Grad school. A master’s degree in education with a single subject teaching credential, to be specific.

I never planned on going to grad school. And the more my mom pushed the more I resisted. I never planned on becoming a teacher. But now that I’ve given it some thought I’m surprised it took me so long to come to this resolution. I think a big part of it was stubbornness. My mom was a kindergarten teacher for several years and I was determined to do something that no one in my family had ever done before. Plus, I always found it annoying that everyone just assumed I would want to be a teacher when I told them that I was studying English. I didn’t want to be a cliché.

Since it took so long for me to finally make my mind up, I’ve only got about six weeks to get everything together for the application process. It’s way more complicated than I ever imagined. Test, letters of recommendation, essays, volunteer experience, and more tests. It’s going to be a busy six weeks for sure.

But one of the things I’m thinking about most right now is what I want to do differently now that I’ve already done the whole college experience once. I had a great four years at my alma mater, the best years of my life so far. I feel like I’ve left part of my heart there. I don’t have many regrets because I would never want to change the way things turned out. But there is certainly a lot I know now that I did not know then.

By the time I graduated I felt like I had finally just gotten the hang of it. I finally knew how to make friends and keep them. I finally knew how to take chances and try new things. I finally knew how to love myself and the people around me. College was a learning experience in more ways than I could ever count. So this time around I want to do everything that I wish I had done before. Now, I just need to figure out exactly what those things are.