Once again I am blogging when I should be going to bed. But something is bothering me, and I can’t even really pin down what it is. But I know that it’s something because I’m listening to a single sad song on repeat. That’s always a sure sign.
It could be that I’m unsure about my decision to apply to grad school. A year from now I could be working toward a Master’s degree and student teaching at a high school. I’m certainly not ready for that right now, and I can’t see myself being ready in a year. I still look like a high schooler! How am I supposed to teach them?
It could be that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. There’s no manual on how to apply to grad school (ok, there probably is, but it is not in my possession and I don’t have time to read it). I emailed three professors asking for letters of recommendation, and the only one to respond basically said that I was doing it wrong. I didn’t even know there was a way to do it wrong!
It could be that despite the possibility of going back to school, the reality is that I’m still working a dead-end, soul-draining job in a sandwich shop. And I still feel like a failure. And I still don’t know when I’ll be able to quit.
It could be that even though I’m the closest I’ve ever been to being in a relationship, I don’t know if I really want it anymore. And I’m frankly worried that I’m incapable of loving someone in a romantic sort of way. I like this guy, but I’m already starting to get bored and we’re not even official. And this whole long-distance thing is already wearing me down.
It could be that I’m mad at myself for not trying harder, or being more persistent, or sticking to my goals, or having more self-control. I’m not applying for many jobs. I’m not keeping my room even moderately clean. And I’m not losing any weight.
I’m happy… but I’m also unhappy.
There are a lot of possibilities for great things to happen. But nothing great is actually happening right now. And I feel like it’s all my fault.