How Can You Know It Will Last Forever

It’s been 5 months since I officially started dating my boyfriend. He’s my first love. My first everything.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in love with anyone else. I hear all these stories that when you start dating “The One” you will know the difference. It will feel different. But how will I ever know if my love for him is different than for everyone else, when I’ve never loved anyone else. (I’m talking about romantic love exclusively, or course. I’m not some heartless person. I love a lot of people, but I don’t want to rip their clothes off)

Maybe it’s just because he’s my first love that I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way with their first love. Maybe in a few years I will look back with a greater understanding and it will all make sense. Maybe I’ll find someone else and it will feel different. But somewhere deep in my heart I know that no matter who I end up with, I will always have some love for my first. Not that I won’t be able to let him go, but I will always care about him.

Chances are we won’t be together for as long as I imagine when I let myself dream. And if this thing ends, I will know that it just isn’t meant to be. But I also know that if we somehow end up together forever, I will be happy with that. Not just content, but extremely happy.

Of course, maybe 5 months isn’t long enough to know any of this. But I can’t keep myself from thinking about it.

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The “L” Word

Four months after making our relationship “official”, my boyfriend and I finally said the elusive “L” word… well, I finally let it slip, and then we said it in a more romantic way.

For the past month it has seemed that in every tv show I was watching there was an “L” word episode where two characters clearly loved each other but were afraid to say it until one character let the word slip in some awkward way. I was determined not to let this happen.

For a month I tried my hardest not to say the word every time we said goodbye or hung up from a Skype call or cuddled on the couch. I was going to say it when the time was right. Or better yet, I was going to wait for HIM to say it at the right time and then I would look him in the eyes and smile slowly and tell him that I love him too.

That did not happen.

Somehow, it ended up happening just like it happens in the TV shows. I held it in and I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. Then I let it slip when we were joking around, in a more awkward way than I’ve seen on any TV show.

It went something like this: he was doing something stupid and I jokingly said, “I’d love you even if you were …[you’ll have to fill in the blank yourself, because it wasn’t the nicest word, although I’m sure it’s not what you’re thinking]”. Followed quickly with “Sorry…” because I’d realized what I’d said and I thought I’d ruined the moment. We sat awkwardly for a few seconds before continuing with whatever random conversation we’d been having. But a few minutes later he stopped and asked why I said I was sorry. I might have some serious short-term memory problems because I literally had no clue he was talking about, and that’s what I told him and he must have thought I was lying. A few minutes later while we were making out it finally hit me what he was talking about. Then, finally, he said “I have really strong feelings for you.” And I took a deep breath and said “I love you”… only it was much harder to say that I expected. The words caught in my throat and came out so quiet they were hardly even a whisper. “What?” was his oh-so-romantic response. So I took a deep breath and said it again, this time just barely load enough for him to hear. And he said he loves me too.

And in the end, even though I made a mess of things, it was perfect and beautiful and a little bit funny.

I wouldn’t change how it happened, although I don’t know why it took me so long to say it and why it was so hard to get out when I finally did say it. That’s where my story is different from the TV shows and the movies. I couldn’t shout it from the roof tops, I could barely whisper it! There were so many moments when I wanted to say it, when I felt it, but I could not bring the words to my lips. I do love him. I loved for quite some time before I said it. And I wanted to tell him so badly. But there is such a heaviness in that word. It means so much, I wanted to be certain that I meant it when I said it. But I can’t help thinking about all the time that we wasted not telling each other how we felt, even though it was so obvious.

I’m glad we can say it now. It feels wonderful and freeing and even kind of magical.