Procrastinating and Missing Him

It is 10pm, and I am supposed to be writing an essay! But instead I’m going to write a blog post… because I’m crazy. And boy do I feel crazy right now!

I just started graduate school a few days ago, and already I am having trouble with procrastinating. I literally just sat at my desk and watched Tarzan for an hour and a half. Bad idea. Not only because it was a waste of time, but because Disney movies are so sappy. And they make ME feel sappy!

In all honesty, I really did not miss my boyfriend for the first five days after I moved. I was wondering if I would ever start missing him or if maybe there was something wrong with me and I really didn’t love him as much as I thought I did. But it has finally hit me. And it’s hitting me pretty hard.

It’s not even that I’m lonely, which I kind of am. And it’s not that I miss kissing him or any of the physical stuff (ok, I DO miss all of that, but that’s only a small part of it). I just miss him. Talking to him, seeing him, telling him everything, holding his hand, being near him, even just being in the same room as him.

I guess there’s nothing I can do about it, except for wait. And maybe stop watching sappy Disney movies. And get back to work on that essay…


The Obsessive Procrastinator FINALLY Cleans Her Room

I’m 23 and I feel like I’m learning more about myself all the time. I’m so far from “having it all figured out”, and I will NEVER have it all figured out. But I did figure something out this month!

For a long time I’ve known that I have a bit of an obsessive personality. Everything from the way I crushed hard-core on the same guy for EIGHT years to the way I clean the counters at work has taught me this about myself. I prefer binge watching shows and can’t even see a point in eating just one scoop of ice cream. My father is a heavy drinker, so I’ve avoided drugs completely and have been very careful with alcohol because I just know that within myself there is that potential to become addicted.

For even longer I’ve known that I have some serious procrastination issues. I have always put homework off till the last minute. In college when we had midnight deadline, I literally submitted mine at 11:59pm. Every. Single. Time.

These two personality traits have led to many problems, one being the state of my room. My college roommate and best friend would call me a beginner hoarder. And I really couldn’t argue. My bedroom is huge, and completely filled with clutter: old school work, excess beauty products, clothes that date back to middle school, shoes that don’t even fit, and knickknacks galore.

I’ve been putting off cleaning it for pretty much my entire life. I would make it look acceptable, of course. But the closet was stuffed to the brim and I would hide stuff under my bed so it wouldn’t look so bad.

I have finally figured out how to get this impossibly daunting task done: I became obsessive about cleaning my room.

Almost every day for the past two weeks I have spent several hours in my room, sorting through boxes and ACTUALLY THROWING STUFF AWAY! I’ve thrown away six large bags and have donated two more two charity. I still have a lot of work to do and I should probably get rid of ten more bags of useless stuff. But I’m finally starting to see progress! It is a good feeling going to bed at night and looking around my room at the progress I have made.

I know that it’s not good to obsess over anything, but right now obsession is what I need. If I had just tried to clean my room a little bit at a time I would have never made any real progress. I need that driving force. I wake up in the morning thinking about those boxes. I start sorting through them in my pajamas before I’ve even brushed my teeth.

I’ve only got one more week to be obsessive, so it can’t do too much harm. I’m leaving to grad school next week! And I will be so relieved to know that when I graduate and get a great job (finger’s crossed) and move into my own place I won’t have to deal with packing up all of the crap I’ve collected over the last twenty-odd years. I’m not putting it off any longer!

Am I Happy? (Thoughts One Year After Graduating)

Over the past few months I’ve often thought that I’m happier than I’ve ever been before. And in some ways I am. I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life and I’m so in love that I feel like I’m going crazy. When we’re together, I’m having a great time. But are those moments enough for me to say that I’m truly happy?

I graduated from college one year ago and moved home to return to my summer job at the sandwich shop while I looked for a more permanent job. But twelve months later, I’m still here with my parents. Still working in that damn sandwich shop. The only change is that I’m now in a relationship… with someone who is still in college and who lives a five-hour drive away. Some nights, that feels like no difference at all.

I look back at pictures from college and my time studying abroad, and sometimes they make me smile. But a lot of the time they make me really sad. I haven’t seen most of my good friends from college since last August, and I haven’t seen those who I wasn’t as close to since graduating. The random greetings on Facebook just don’t seem to be enough to sustain a friendship, especially when I live too far away to visit.

There was a time – pretty much all of high school – when I didn’t have any friends at all, and I was incredibly lonely. Now I’m back in this town that I tried so hard to escape, and I feel like I’ve lost all of the friends that I worked so hard to gain over the past few years. I have my boyfriend and I keep in touch with two of my closest college friends via Facebook message, and that helps. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it feels like it’s going in that direction.

It’s like I took fifty steps forward over four years, and now I’ve taken twenty steps backwards in one year.

When I think about college, I think about all that I’ve lost. How I used to live, and how I live now. I miss nights in my friends’ apartment watching crappy movies and spilling red wine on the white carpet. I miss English club meetings on Monday nights, talking about our favorite books and movies. I miss pep band on Saturday afternoons and cheering for our team even though the sport makes no sense to me. I miss late night chats with my roommate about every strange topic imaginable.

I miss it all more than I can say.

But I think I’m finally starting to move in the right direction again. If I’m not happy now, I’m on my way to getting there again.

I’ll be starting grad school in two months, and it cannot come soon enough. It took a long time for me to make the decision to return to school and pursue a career in education. But now that I’ve decided, I’m one hundred percent certain that it is what I want to do – and that it is what I should do.

How Can You Know It Will Last Forever

It’s been 5 months since I officially started dating my boyfriend. He’s my first love. My first everything.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in love with anyone else. I hear all these stories that when you start dating “The One” you will know the difference. It will feel different. But how will I ever know if my love for him is different than for everyone else, when I’ve never loved anyone else. (I’m talking about romantic love exclusively, or course. I’m not some heartless person. I love a lot of people, but I don’t want to rip their clothes off)

Maybe it’s just because he’s my first love that I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way with their first love. Maybe in a few years I will look back with a greater understanding and it will all make sense. Maybe I’ll find someone else and it will feel different. But somewhere deep in my heart I know that no matter who I end up with, I will always have some love for my first. Not that I won’t be able to let him go, but I will always care about him.

Chances are we won’t be together for as long as I imagine when I let myself dream. And if this thing ends, I will know that it just isn’t meant to be. But I also know that if we somehow end up together forever, I will be happy with that. Not just content, but extremely happy.

Of course, maybe 5 months isn’t long enough to know any of this. But I can’t keep myself from thinking about it.

The “L” Word

Four months after making our relationship “official”, my boyfriend and I finally said the elusive “L” word… well, I finally let it slip, and then we said it in a more romantic way.

For the past month it has seemed that in every tv show I was watching there was an “L” word episode where two characters clearly loved each other but were afraid to say it until one character let the word slip in some awkward way. I was determined not to let this happen.

For a month I tried my hardest not to say the word every time we said goodbye or hung up from a Skype call or cuddled on the couch. I was going to say it when the time was right. Or better yet, I was going to wait for HIM to say it at the right time and then I would look him in the eyes and smile slowly and tell him that I love him too.

That did not happen.

Somehow, it ended up happening just like it happens in the TV shows. I held it in and I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. Then I let it slip when we were joking around, in a more awkward way than I’ve seen on any TV show.

It went something like this: he was doing something stupid and I jokingly said, “I’d love you even if you were …[you’ll have to fill in the blank yourself, because it wasn’t the nicest word, although I’m sure it’s not what you’re thinking]”. Followed quickly with “Sorry…” because I’d realized what I’d said and I thought I’d ruined the moment. We sat awkwardly for a few seconds before continuing with whatever random conversation we’d been having. But a few minutes later he stopped and asked why I said I was sorry. I might have some serious short-term memory problems because I literally had no clue he was talking about, and that’s what I told him and he must have thought I was lying. A few minutes later while we were making out it finally hit me what he was talking about. Then, finally, he said “I have really strong feelings for you.” And I took a deep breath and said “I love you”… only it was much harder to say that I expected. The words caught in my throat and came out so quiet they were hardly even a whisper. “What?” was his oh-so-romantic response. So I took a deep breath and said it again, this time just barely load enough for him to hear. And he said he loves me too.

And in the end, even though I made a mess of things, it was perfect and beautiful and a little bit funny.

I wouldn’t change how it happened, although I don’t know why it took me so long to say it and why it was so hard to get out when I finally did say it. That’s where my story is different from the TV shows and the movies. I couldn’t shout it from the roof tops, I could barely whisper it! There were so many moments when I wanted to say it, when I felt it, but I could not bring the words to my lips. I do love him. I loved for quite some time before I said it. And I wanted to tell him so badly. But there is such a heaviness in that word. It means so much, I wanted to be certain that I meant it when I said it. But I can’t help thinking about all the time that we wasted not telling each other how we felt, even though it was so obvious.

I’m glad we can say it now. It feels wonderful and freeing and even kind of magical.

My Boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown

9 Reasons Why My Boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown:

  1. He never cries during movies
    (not even Marley and Me!)
  2. He wears sunscreen and a hat every time he goes outside
    (even when it’s raining)
  3. He loves puns
    (even the ones that are too stupid for little kids)
  4. He couldn’t stop making jokes when he thought his pet bird was going to die
    (although he at least waited till his sister was in the other room)
  5.  He hates perfect sunny days
    (but he loves the clouds)
  6. He is constantly making weird faces
    (for no reason at all)
  7. He hates poetry
    (but still seems genuinely interested when I talk about it)
  8. He stays up late with me
    (even when he has to get up early)
  9. He makes me laugh every day
    (sometimes even when he’s making weird faces)

Those are the reasons why my boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown. And those are just some of the reasons why I like him so much.

Staying Close

As I was glancing through my unread emails today something occurred to me. I saw the subject line for an email from the Career Resource Center at my alma mater informing me of a managerial position in Oregon. I deleted it without thought and kept scrolling.

It’s highly unlikely that is would have been the type of job I would apply for, but four months ago I would have at least looked at it. Before I graduated in May I decided that I would be willing to move pretty much anywhere if it meant I could start a career.

I addition to applying for jobs all over California, I also applied for jobs in New York, New Jersey, and Ohio. In hindsight it wasn’t the smartest tactic. Why would these places bother with interviewing me via Skype when there are more than enough qualified candidates applying close by? Regardless, I would have been willing to move for the right job. I was even excited about the prospect of starting new.

Now I have no interest in moving out of Northern California. Sure, if I was offered a chance at my dream job I would accept without a second thought, regardless of location. But that is not going to happen. I’ve stopped looking for jobs outside of the area. And when I was deciding upon graduate schools to apply to I decided to cross the Southern California schools off of my list.

It’s not that I want to stay where I am. I don’t, I assure you.

It’s almost more embarrassing than that…

I don’t want to move any farther away from my boyfriend. He’s currently going to school about four hours away, and I want to be closer to him.

I never thought I would be that girl. The one who makes important life choices based on a guy. But here I am. I picked my first choice grad school before we were even technically dating, and one of my favorite things about it is that it’s only an hour drive from his school. It also happens to have an incredible one year program, but I would be lying if I said the proximity to my boyfriend has nothing to do with why I want to go there so badly. It isn’t the only reason, but it was a factor in my decision making process.

We’ve only been dating for two months and this scares me a little bit. I always said I would never let a guy get in the way of my career. But then, I’d never had a boyfriend before. And I certainly don’t mean to sound like he’s holding me back. He’s incredibly supportive and encouraging. If anything, I’m holding myself back – or will hold myself back in the future, nothing has really happened yet. But I don’t want it to come to that.

I guess what I’m really worried about is that having a boyfriend has changed more than I’ve realized. There are good changes, or course: It’s nice to have someone to talk to, to know that if I have to go through something difficult he will be there, to receive sweet text messages at random, etc.

But being in a relationship also comes with some constrictions:

  • There is a time commitment (which is fine with me right now because I don’t have a life).
  • I’m no longer single, so I can’t get drunk and make out with random strangers (I’ve never actually done that, but it sounds fun, right?).
  • I’m more reluctant to do things that are irresponsible (like booking a trip to France even though I’m $50,000 in debt with student loans), because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m crazy.
  • I’m attached to him, and that means I don’t want to move half way across the country for a job that may or may not work out.

From where I’m sitting right now, it’s hard to tell if any of those are actually that bad. Honestly, I kind of feel like having a boyfriend (not just any boyfriend, but this particular boyfriend) is good for me. I’m just afraid that five years from now I’ll realize that I was wrong.

Falling in Love… It’s Not Like in the Movies

Ok, so I’m going to be cheesy for a while (I apologize in advanced).

Last summer I worked in a sandwich shop (I still work there, unfortunately) and I worked with a guy I went to high school with (well, we’ve actually known each other since elementary school). Long story short: I really liked him and apparently he liked me too, and when he went back to school we kept in touch and when he came home for Thanksgiving break I took him as my date to my cousin’s wedding, and we decided right there to make it official (even on Facebook!) and we’ve been together since then. (Don’t judge me for the run-on sentence, I realize it’s not grammatically correct and I don’t care.)

I’m 22 and he’s 22 and this is the first time either of us have been in a relationship (also, we shared our first kiss and all that stuff – I will be writing about that soon because I think it’s stupid that society makes us feel bad if we haven’t been kissed by the time we’re 16. And my first kiss at 22 was probably the most perfect first kiss in the history of first kisses, just sayin’).

So everything is new and sparkly and perfect. Honestly, I’m afraid it might be too perfect. Seriously, how can it be this good! It’s even better than in the movies! I thought that movie love was the pinnacle; life could never be as good as fiction. But it’s actually better!

Maybe it’s really not as good as I think, and maybe every relationship feels this good in the beginning. I don’t know. I don’t have anything to compare this to. And since I’ve never done this before, I really don’t know if I am in love, as the title of this post may suggest. I’m certainly in the process of “falling” in love, but as to when I will know for certain that I’ve finished falling, I haven’t got a clue. How do you know when you’re in love? I don’t know. But it’s good, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I do know that it can’t stay this good forever. I’m naïve, I will admit, but I’m not so naïve that I think this will always be perfect. Chances are high that this relationship will end – most relationships end. (I’m just going to make up a fake statistic, but if I had to guess I would say at least 95% of relationships end. Think about it: most people date several people before they get married, and many marriages end too.) I can’t see it ending any time in the foreseeable future, but I also can’t foresee what I will have for lunch tomorrow. It might end, it will probably end, but that’s ok. Because it has been absolutely amazing.

I am dating someone who is kind and smart and thoughtful and ambitious and hardworking and sweet and respectful and attractive and nerdy and who likes me more than I ever thought anyone would. I still can’t believe how lucky I am, because this is better than I thought it could ever get.

Grad School Apps: Done – Life: Resume

It’s been nearly three months since I’ve written a blog post, and I really miss it! I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for nearly four years now. And even though I’m very sporadic with it, I still feel an absence when I don’t blog for so long.

There are two big reasons why I haven’t had the time or energy (or whatever else it takes… motivation?) to write just for fun. The number one reason (which you can probably guess from the title) is that I was applying to grad school and it was the biggest pain in the butt ever. The other reason is that for the first time in my life I have a boyfriend, and they take a surprising amount of time (not that I’m complaining, its fracking awesome!). Don’t worry, you’ll hear more about the latter very soon

After this post I will try not to complain about grad school applications anymore (but I can’t make any promises). Just know that it really kind of sucked. I’m so incredibly glad that it’s over (although I do still have a couple of follow-up things to deal with, and then there’s the FAFSA. Yuck). I just feel so stupid for only applying to two schools, but there is only really one school I want to go to and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get in – even if I get into a different school. I realize that this is problematic, for more than one reason. But I spent a loooooong making that decision and now I’ve just got to trust it.

I’ll keep you posted as to whether or not I get in, because if I don’t get in I’m sure that I will be ripping my hair out and I’ll need some of this wonderful free therapy that is writing down my feelings and thoughts for strangers to read (or not read… it works either way).

I’ll try not to leave again for so long, it’s not good for me.

Applying to College is Hard

College applications are harder than I remember them being. I don’t know, maybe grad school applications are harder, but this Fall I feel sympathy for all the high school seniors and those returning to school. This stuff is complicated!

Now that I’m doing it for a second time, I’ve got a bit of advice. Stuff that I wish I knew five years ago… or five months ago, because I’m off to a bit of a late start.

1. Choosing a back-up school may be the hardest part.

Pick a school that you’re almost guaranteed to get into. That’s easy enough. But finding one that still has a solid program and fits all of your requirements, that’s not so easy. Lower-ranked schools are ranked lower for a reason. They aren’t as good as the schools that are harder to get into. And not just in academics, but also probably in funding for all sorts of other programs and in the type of people they are going to attract. Sorry to sound like a snob, but I don’t want to waste my time at a university filled with slackers and stoners.

2. Don’t procrastinate… too much.

There are SO many requirements. Tests that must be taken, letters of recommendation that must be requested, essays that must be written, and exhaustive forms that must be filled out. Depending on where you’re applying, the requirements may not be impossible to complete in one month, but it might drive you crazy if you try. Be sure you leave enough time to study for tests.

When I was applying for college the first time around I ended up taking the last SAT exam available, meaning that I couldn’t re-take it after I did horribly. And I’m pretty sure that my horrible scores kept me from getting accepted into a university that I thought I would get into for sure. Be aware that circumstances beyond your control could get in the way too. For example, I had to cancel my SAT exam twice, once because of the unexpected death of a friend.

 3. Make a list… or ten.

If you’re on a tight schedule (and who isn’t?) you’re going to have to prioritize. Test scores and transcripts might take a few weeks to process. And teachers and professors are going to want some time to write you a letter of recommendation, try to avoid asking them right before finals or midterms.

4. Seek some advice.

Even if your parents never went to college, or never had to deal with the online application process, they can probably still give you some valuable information (like your social security number) or help you stay on schedule. And if nothing else, they can just listen to you vent. Because this stuff can get stressful. You might feel like your entire future is riding on this application. And in a way it is, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a great future if it doesn’t work out.