Really Happy

I think something may be wrong with me: I’m listening to happy songs on the radio and actually singing along. I’m smiling for no reason at all. I can almost feel my heart beating up against my chest. The sun is shining and the sky is blue and I’m not even bothered by the unseasonably warm temperatures.

I’m not normally an unhappy person. I’m usually pretty content. But everything seems so perfect. Even though I’m still working at the deli making sandwiches for rude tourists and living with my parents and our occasional late night screaming matches.

I’m not saying that I don’t want my life to change and progress. I don’t want to get stuck in this rut, even though it’s looking like a pretty good place to be stuck. And it’s not all perfect. I am frustrated by my inability to get a “real job” and put my hard-earned degree to use. And I’ve had a few bad days at work and a few moments when I just feel like I can’t do anything right. But those feeling wash away pretty quickly and I’m reminded what it feels like to be surrounded by people who love me and people who enjoy working with me and people who are willing to work at a long-distance friendship.

I don’t think I’ve ever been surrounded by so many people who make me so happy. And I’m feeling pretty good about myself lately, because I seem to make them happy too. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.

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Ramblings of a Lovesick 20-Something

I’ve got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, spreading throughout my chest and into my throat. And I can’t tell if it’s a good feeling or a bad feeling. I don’t know if I want it to stop, or to grow stronger.

Urban Dictionary confirms my suspicions that I’m lovesick: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lovesick. But It’s hard to tell; I’ve never actually been in love.

But it’s that unmistakable feeling I get when I have a crush on a guy and know that I like him way too much. It’s the feeling of doom when I realize that we’ll never be together, and the feeling of hope that spreads through me when I think that it just has to happen because we’re clearly meant to be together, and the feeling of embarrassment because I know that I’m not being logical. It’s the feeling of day dreams and nightmares, the feeling that everything is possible and everything is doomed, it’s the feeling of falling and the feeling of being caught. It’s the unknown, the infinite possibilities, the never-gonna-happen, and the maybe if I could just be different everything would work out.

Those are my feelings right now. And they’re just too big to get down on paper right.

I don’t know that I’ve ever liked a guy as much as I like this guy. But I literally think that every time I have a serious crush on anyone. And now he’s about to leave, and I already miss him. And I feel so foolish because there’s not even anything between us. A work friendship. Nothing more. But, oh, I want it to be more. It’s stupid, but I can literally feel my heart aching for there to be more.

Every time he stands close I just want him to be closer. Every time he smiles, I want him to never stop smiling. Every time he says my name my heart beats a little bit faster. I don’t touch people, but I want to touch him. I’m afraid that he’s going to slip away forever. I’m afraid that I’ll never get a chance.

I know that if he doesn’t already like me he never will. And that may be the most terrifying thought of all: that there’s nothing I can do, nothing I can change, nothing I can improve upon.

He hasn’t asked me out yet. And he’s leaving in a week. So he never will. So, I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to guess that he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him. And he never will. He will never want me the way I want him.

I’m afraid that I’ve lost something that was meant to be. But if it was meant to be, it would have happened, right? You either believe in fate or you don’t. I’m not sure what I believe. But I know that when he smiles at me there is nowhere I would rather be than standing next to him laughing, even if we are standing behind the deli counter making sandwiches for rude tourists.

[UPDATE: He asked me out on our last day working together – though it was not a date so much as just hanging out together for a couple of hours. Since then, we’ve kept in touch and plan to meet up when he’s home from school. But here’s the exciting part: HE DOES LIKE ME! He even told me exactly that, so there’s no more guessing! I am still a lovesick 20-something, and I love it.]

He Might Like Me…?

So, if you’ve read even one post on my blog you probably know that my skills with the male of our species are lacking. Very lacking. I can’t figure out how to flirt. I can’t get a boyfriend or a date or a kiss. I have a crush on every other guy I meet. And I cannot tell when a guy likes me. Maybe that’s because no guy has ever liked me? Or maybe they have and I just didn’t know it? You see my dilemma.

So, I resorted to the one thing that could give me advice… my mother. NOT! The internet, or course. Why would I ever ask a living, breathing person who has had actual experiences when I could ask the world’s most popular search engine?

According to my Google search, the guy I like at work just might like me back. The results are inconclusive and further research is needed at this time. But there is a possibility!

Now, I’m trying to work out in my head if there is really a chance this guy likes me as more than a friend, or if it’s all just wishful thinking.

another summer job… another co-worker crush

I thought I would have learned my lesson after the fiasco last summer with the janitor. In a nutshell: I had a crush on him but didn’t know him that well and then we went to the movies and I realized I really didn’t like him at all but he suddenly liked me a whole lot more. Luckily I only had a week left at work, but it was an awkward week.

This year I’m working with someone I went to high school with. The one main difference in the situation is that I feel like I know this guy much better than I ever knew the janitor. But still, I guess I don’t know him all that well. But I’ve known him for a long time and I feel like I have a better idea of who he is than I did of the other guy.

I liked him when we worked together a few years ago and I’ve been trying to keep the crushing at bay for the past month. When it comes to crushing, I can get pretty hard-core. So, I’m trying to avoid that. But I can’t deny that I like him… a lot. Every day I like him more. My favorite days at work are the ones when I’m standing next to him.

I really kind of hate myself for being so cheesy. It would all be easier if I just thought of him as a friend. Because nothing is going to happen. It’s just not. But, boy, do I have an active imagination.

And no matter how realistic I try to be, a tiny corner of my brain always pipes up and tells me it’s possible. It’s the same part that tells me that I can do anything and be anything that I want. It’s that same part that tells me that one day I will be a published writer. But it cannot be trusted. I’ve always secretly been a dreamer. But I’m just going to end up sad once again when nothing happens.

But nothing has happened for my entire life. Odds are, something has to happen eventually. Right? It’s just simple statistics. Maybe that something could happen this summer? I’m waiting… I feel like I’ve been waiting since I was fourteen. I want the waiting to be over so badly, but I’ve been expecting it to end for just as long. And clearly the odds are not in my favor.

Either way, crushing on a co-worker seems like such a bad idea. But sometimes it feels so good. In the end, I’ll probably regret it. But for now, I’ll enjoy the butterflies in my stomach and the smile I can’t keep down when he’s around me.

New Semester Rules

            I will NOT have a crush on the cute frat boy who I haven’t spoken to since freshman year. I will NOT click through photos on Facebook when I see his name. I will NOT let the butterflies fill my stomach when I see him walk toward me, and I will NOT stare at the ground or bite my lip. I will NOT let him into my day dreams. I will NOT think of all the ways in which we would end up together if my life was like a romantic comedy film. I will NOT imagine ripping off his shirt or kissing him passionately in the rain. I will NOT think of him when I listen to music about love or the lack thereof. I will NOT continue to pine after a boy who is unattainable. I will NOT allow myself to think I like someone who I barely know.

            I will close that Facebook tab, turn off the cheesy music, shoo away the butterflies in my stomach and the dreams in my head, and open up my text book and focus on the words written there.

(Check out my new blog for practical college advice: http://adviceforthealmostadult.blogspot.com)

Nice Guys and Good Girls

            I’m sick of this BS about girls not liking “nice guys” and always going after the bad boys. It’s true, I’ll admit that. Nine times out of ten the trouble maker is going to catch my eye and my friends’ as well. The quiet guy who does well and is nice is simply forgotten most of the time. And that sucks.

            But guys do the exact same thing. They long for the Megan Foxs and Katy Perrys of the world. And I don’t blame them, I’m just sick of the double standard. So girls go for bad boys and guys go for wild girls. It totally sucks for the rest of us, but it’s not going to change anytime soon. So let’s just acknowledge it, try to make better choices in mate selection, and move on.

Work Romance … Or A Lack Thereof

            I work in a deli inside of a large grocery store and I work with several people near my age. To me, it seems completely logical to have a crush on half of the guys I work with. And of course, knowing me and my taste in guys, I have a crush on the janitor. Yep. And he’s two years younger than me. For some reason most girls I know would have no problem with dating a guy at least five years their senior but would never go for a younger guy. Apparently I’m attracted to anyone between the ages of 17 and 24, which makes me feel a little pervy since I’m 21.

            Lately at work I’ve been in the middle of a little bit of drama, and I’m not used to it at all. Honestly, part of the reason why I have a crush on half the store is because I’ve never even been on a date and I’m starting to feel a little desperate. So my standards are not at their highest.

My story begins about a week ago. I work with a kid named Connor who I think is hilarious and fun, but amazingly I have absolutely no feelings for. He was joking around with the janitor – we’ll call him Martin (his real name is funnier though) – while we were both closing the deli. Here’s how it went down:

Connor: “I need to find you love Martin! … <completely joking> Alice, do you want to go on a date with Martin?” Martin had just walked away and I turned bright red. “Wait, you don’t really like him, do you?!!” So, that’s how Connor found out I had a little bit of a crush on Martin. Apparently after I went home that night he told Martin, but he didn’t believe Connor.

The next few days were a muddle of does-she-like-me-or-not. I denied it entirely. But last night I walked into the deli where Martin was collecting the trash and the first thing he said to me was “I know you like me, and it’s ok, I won’t treat you any differently.”

My response was to shove my hat as far over my eyes as possible and shout “I’m gonna go clean the meat slicer!” before turning and walking away. I never said I was mature.

It’s not all bad news though, because later Connor told me that when we were in the break room the night before with three other guys they all started talking about me after I left. Apparently I have a nice butt.

The Guy on the Bus

            I’ve just returned from a week-long whirl-wind adventure in London and Edinburgh, but there is something I just can’t get off my mind: the guy on the bus. I don’t even know how to explain all of the exciting things I did while traveling, it’s just too much to get my head around. But I can get my head around this.

            I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when this guy sat next to me I was thinking “Yes! The hot guy is sitting next to me!” What was even more impressive: he talked to me! OK, so maybe I was a little too excited about this, but I’ve had far too many experiences sitting next to strangers who do not talk (I have no right to judge, I don’t start conversations either). He wore his seatbelt… on a bus! I was impressed: this is a guy who follows rules. He talked to me about the pandas in the zoo, so he must like animals. And he was smart. What more could a girl ask for?

            Unfortunately we had to switch busses after only forty minutes, but I ended up sitting behind him on the next bus. Time goes by much faster when you have something/someone to daydream about. And I could overhear him talking. I know I sound like a total creep for eavesdropping, but I just really liked his accent. Did I mention the best part: he was Scottish!

            When the bus pulled into the station he asked if I was staying in Manchester for the night, I told him no (because that was the truth) but I can’t help but wonder what he would have said if the answer was yes? When I threw my bag over my shoulder I gave him one last glance before I walked away, and it almost looked like he wanted to say something. But maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

            We always hear stories about those people who meet their soul mates in the most unexpected of places and things just click. But what if you meet them and never see them again? I’m not saying that this guy is my soul mate – I talked to him for less than an hour for goodness sake – but I liked him and I think that he may have even liked me too.

            This all makes me wonder: if each person has one soul mate who they are meant to be with (I’m not saying that I necessarily believe this, but it sounds nice), will fate bring them together? What if you only have one shot? My grandma met my grandpa when he came into the restaurant where she was waitressing, he gave her a ride home and they married a few months later. My dad met my mom in a bar, he asked her to dance a dozen times before she said yes. What if he had given up (like a sane person)? What if my grandpa had chosen a different restaurant? Would they have crossed paths again, or would they have never met?

            These are questions that no one will ever be able to answer, and that’s OK. I know that I will probably never see the guy from the bus ever again, but I know that next time I’m in Manchester, I’ll be looking.

What I Am Not Going To Do

            So I read a short story a few months ago in which a girl moves from the Midwest (or something like that) to LA and the only guy she ends up sleeping with is a guy with a southern accent and cowboy boots. I quite liked the irony of this story, but I totally thought: When I go to England I am not going to fall for any American guys.

            Well, no shock here, I’ve got a crush on a guy from the Midwest. In my defence, I’m from California, so he is a bit exotic. Right?

            Another thing that I always told myself I would not do: end up with a guy like my father. I love my dad, but I honestly don’t know how my mother can stand being married to him (harsh, I know). And we all know that total cliché of girls being attracted to men like their father’s. Unfortunately, it is more than a myth. On top of it all, bad boys really are more attractive. So here, I’ve got a crush on a guy who a) is from the Midwest (the same state as my dad), b) is an awful dancer and drinks way too much (like my dad), and c) has trouble written all over him (not literally of course, that would be a turn-off for sure).

            The biggest reason why I should not like this guy: he clearly does not like me. Perhaps this draws me to certain guys more than anything. I like guys who will never like me, because it is safe. There is no risk because nothing will ever happen. This is a habit that I noticed in high school, but I either don’t want to or don’t know how to change it.

            I like this guy, there is nothing I can do about that, but I think this time around I’m going to do things a bit differently. I am not going to Facebook stalk him. I am not going to daydream about getting drunk and making out with him. I am not going stare at him in class when he’s not looking. I am not going to listen to sad sappy songs and think about him. And I’m going to stop writing blogs about him. (I’m a bit creepy, aren’t I?)

            I’m breaking about four of these rules right now, aren’t I? I have sad-sappy music playing in the background, I was just looking at his Facebook pictures, I’m blogging about him this very second, and I’m totally imagining myself going to the bar tomorrow and getting drunk and dancing awkwardly with him. That is so not going to happen…

Unfriended

I’m a bit heartbroken, and it’s kind of pathetic why. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

            Two years ago I met a guy in one of my freshman classes. I was very attracted to him, like more attracted than I have ever been to any guy ever. And it’s not because he’s some gorgeous sex god. What I am going to say (write) next is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever said, but this is how attracted I was to him: I felt like if God had made someone especially for me it was this guy. And I’m not even a very religious person.

            When I get a crush on a guy I fall really hard, really fast and I like them for a really long time (I’m talking several years). The stupid thing is, I fall for them for really stupid reasons. It’s not like I get to really know these guys and become friends with them and I feel like I know them inside out. I see them in class, I might make small talk with them before or after class, we say hi in the halls or whatever. That’s about it. And based on that little bit of information and what I can gather from Facebook stalking (I’ll talk about this later) I get a massive undying crush on them. It’s stupid and illogical and I hate myself for it, but that’s just how it happens for me. Maybe this is why I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc.

            So, I knew this guy in class and we talked every once in a while. I added him as a friend on Facebook (which was actually really hard for me to do and I felt very bold, like I’d made some big move. That’s about as bold as I get) and he accepted. He occasionally Facebook chatted with me (just about homework) and I had only been on the site for a few months so I thought this was a certain sign that he liked me. He even asked me if he could get a ride somewhere while I was driving home for a long weekend. I was super excited, but he cancelled. That was a long time ago, while we still had a class together.

            After that class ended he kept saying hi to me for like a whole year whenever I would see him on campus. After a while it just got awkward and we barely ran into each other and never spoke. He still smiles when I walk past him, but it’s just friendly. I’m not going to lie, this whole time I’ve been watching his Facebook rather closely to see if he was still single (he is, and has been through this whole thing) and honestly, because he’s really cute and I would look at his pictures sometimes. Not in a perverted way, just in a I wish I had the courage to make a move kind of way. Maybe a bit creepy, sure. But it was just innocent Facebook stalking, we all do it sometimes. I just did it perhaps a bit more often.

            So, I have had a massive crush on this guy for two years. I was just thinking about how much I would like to go to a party, get drunk (for the first time ever), and tell him how much I like him (see my previous post, I just wrote it like an hour before I wrote this, before I went on Facebook). I was listening to sappy love songs (thank you Colbie Caillat) and day dreaming when I went on Facebook. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked on his pictures, and it said “_____ only shares some information with everyone. If you know _____ add him as a friend”. I was initially confused, thinking but we are friends. Then I realized: I had been unfriended. By the guy who I have had a massive crush on for two years.

            I really want to say I understand why he unfriended me, it’s not like we talk or hang out. But the thing is, this guy has hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I know he can’t possibly be actual friends with all of them. So, I don’t understand it, at all. Why did he unfriend me? I thought maybe he was weeding through his friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And why would he even bother to unfriend me at all? If my posts were annoying he could have just made it so they don’t show up on his news feed (I doubt all of his friends’ posts show up anyway, because that would be A LOT). So I’m a bit worried that one of those stupid “see who has been looking at your Facebook” things has actually worked, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. If it is possible though, I might as well go into hiding now. If that’s not it, then why? I can’t help but take it personally.

            And I’m pissed. Not at this guy (Ok, maybe a little), but at myself. I’m so mad at myself for doing the same thing I always do: allowing myself think that something is possible that isn’t. I actually thought that this guy might have liked me at some point, and I thought that it might be possible that he still liked me. When you never see someone, you can make stuff up and you will have nothing to prove you wrong. But now I know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t like me. And he probably never did.