Trusting My Emotions

It’s amazing how much feelings can change and shift in such a short time span. Sometimes I’m confused by my feelings. And sometimes I just can’t believe the sheer volume of my feelings.

I just re-read a blog post I wrote 6 months ago (in August) about my relationship and I had completely forgotten how strongly I felt at the time. I remember being mad at my boyfriend, but I didn’t remember how frustrated I was with our relationship as a whole. I do, however, distinctly remember how quickly those feeling thawed once I actually got to see him and speak to him (okay, it actually took several hours, but I think that’s quick considering I had been annoyed with him for weeks).

My feelings for him are always amplified when he’s around or right after he’s left. This makes me nervous. Yes, right now I am head-over-heels. But how will I feel in 3 weeks? If my feelings are so changeable, are they still real?

While my boyfriend was visiting for Valentine’s Day he mentioned how different we were. Having been on my second glass of wine, I jokingly took a great deal of offense to this. But there are many ways in which we are very different (not that there’s a problem with this, as he reminded me “opposites attract” and we always have stuff to talk/argue about). One of our biggest differences, in my opinion, is his tendency to be rational and my tendency to be emotional. It’s not that I don’t think rationally, I just think that emotions can be equally as important.

What I’m trying to get at, in far too many words, is that I place a lot of stock in my emotions. And when I’m feeling emotions that are new to me, I don’t know what to make of it.

This being the first time I’ve ever been in a relationship, I’m having lots of new feeling. Most notably, I can’t really grasp just how much I like my boyfriend. I’ve never liked anyone this much. I’ve never enjoyed spending time with anyone (including my mom!) as much as I enjoy spending time with him.

Considering that 6 months ago I felt like our relation ship was on the verge of collapse, I don’t know if I can trust my emotions. But now – and I would never tell him this – I can’t think about my future without thinking about him.

Is this how everyone feels with their first love? Does it make any difference that I’m 23 and not 16? Will I be reading this in 3 years (or 6 months!) and once again be feeling differently? Or will I still be so in love that I can hardly process it?

I don’t know. But I do know that right now I’m in love and it’s good. Really good. And I guess nothing else really matters.

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Falling in Love… It’s Not Like in the Movies

Ok, so I’m going to be cheesy for a while (I apologize in advanced).

Last summer I worked in a sandwich shop (I still work there, unfortunately) and I worked with a guy I went to high school with (well, we’ve actually known each other since elementary school). Long story short: I really liked him and apparently he liked me too, and when he went back to school we kept in touch and when he came home for Thanksgiving break I took him as my date to my cousin’s wedding, and we decided right there to make it official (even on Facebook!) and we’ve been together since then. (Don’t judge me for the run-on sentence, I realize it’s not grammatically correct and I don’t care.)

I’m 22 and he’s 22 and this is the first time either of us have been in a relationship (also, we shared our first kiss and all that stuff – I will be writing about that soon because I think it’s stupid that society makes us feel bad if we haven’t been kissed by the time we’re 16. And my first kiss at 22 was probably the most perfect first kiss in the history of first kisses, just sayin’).

So everything is new and sparkly and perfect. Honestly, I’m afraid it might be too perfect. Seriously, how can it be this good! It’s even better than in the movies! I thought that movie love was the pinnacle; life could never be as good as fiction. But it’s actually better!

Maybe it’s really not as good as I think, and maybe every relationship feels this good in the beginning. I don’t know. I don’t have anything to compare this to. And since I’ve never done this before, I really don’t know if I am in love, as the title of this post may suggest. I’m certainly in the process of “falling” in love, but as to when I will know for certain that I’ve finished falling, I haven’t got a clue. How do you know when you’re in love? I don’t know. But it’s good, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I do know that it can’t stay this good forever. I’m naïve, I will admit, but I’m not so naïve that I think this will always be perfect. Chances are high that this relationship will end – most relationships end. (I’m just going to make up a fake statistic, but if I had to guess I would say at least 95% of relationships end. Think about it: most people date several people before they get married, and many marriages end too.) I can’t see it ending any time in the foreseeable future, but I also can’t foresee what I will have for lunch tomorrow. It might end, it will probably end, but that’s ok. Because it has been absolutely amazing.

I am dating someone who is kind and smart and thoughtful and ambitious and hardworking and sweet and respectful and attractive and nerdy and who likes me more than I ever thought anyone would. I still can’t believe how lucky I am, because this is better than I thought it could ever get.

My Mother’s Words of Wisdom

            So I’ve been a bit confused about the situation between a guy at work and me, so of course I turned to my mom for advice. Like most good advice it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I’m sure it will turn out to be true.

            I’m going to the dinner and a movie with this guy, and he’s picking me up at my house. AND I told him I like him and he told me he likes me. But the tricky thing is, he insists that it’s NOT a date! Seriously?! I’m 21 and I’ve never been on a date in my life. Can we just call it a date? Please!!!

So I asked my mom if it’s a date or not, and this is what she said: “Well, you’ll know it’s a date if he tries to kiss you.”

Thanks for that Mom.

Just Like the Movies

            I used to think it was just ridiculous when characters in movies would ask each other out and then just walk away without making any plans. “Do you want to see a movie on Friday?” “Yeah, sure” “Great” end scene. It used to drive me nuts. How do they know when to meet? Is he going to drive or are they meeting at the destination?

            But a few days ago I was asked out for the first time ever and that’s pretty much how it went. Except that at the end of my scene he came back and said “you know, it’s not like a date or anything.” So, not quite like the movies after all.

Nice Guys and Good Girls

            I’m sick of this BS about girls not liking “nice guys” and always going after the bad boys. It’s true, I’ll admit that. Nine times out of ten the trouble maker is going to catch my eye and my friends’ as well. The quiet guy who does well and is nice is simply forgotten most of the time. And that sucks.

            But guys do the exact same thing. They long for the Megan Foxs and Katy Perrys of the world. And I don’t blame them, I’m just sick of the double standard. So girls go for bad boys and guys go for wild girls. It totally sucks for the rest of us, but it’s not going to change anytime soon. So let’s just acknowledge it, try to make better choices in mate selection, and move on.