New Semester Rules

            I will NOT have a crush on the cute frat boy who I haven’t spoken to since freshman year. I will NOT click through photos on Facebook when I see his name. I will NOT let the butterflies fill my stomach when I see him walk toward me, and I will NOT stare at the ground or bite my lip. I will NOT let him into my day dreams. I will NOT think of all the ways in which we would end up together if my life was like a romantic comedy film. I will NOT imagine ripping off his shirt or kissing him passionately in the rain. I will NOT think of him when I listen to music about love or the lack thereof. I will NOT continue to pine after a boy who is unattainable. I will NOT allow myself to think I like someone who I barely know.

            I will close that Facebook tab, turn off the cheesy music, shoo away the butterflies in my stomach and the dreams in my head, and open up my text book and focus on the words written there.

(Check out my new blog for practical college advice: http://adviceforthealmostadult.blogspot.com)

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The Guy on the Bus

            I’ve just returned from a week-long whirl-wind adventure in London and Edinburgh, but there is something I just can’t get off my mind: the guy on the bus. I don’t even know how to explain all of the exciting things I did while traveling, it’s just too much to get my head around. But I can get my head around this.

            I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when this guy sat next to me I was thinking “Yes! The hot guy is sitting next to me!” What was even more impressive: he talked to me! OK, so maybe I was a little too excited about this, but I’ve had far too many experiences sitting next to strangers who do not talk (I have no right to judge, I don’t start conversations either). He wore his seatbelt… on a bus! I was impressed: this is a guy who follows rules. He talked to me about the pandas in the zoo, so he must like animals. And he was smart. What more could a girl ask for?

            Unfortunately we had to switch busses after only forty minutes, but I ended up sitting behind him on the next bus. Time goes by much faster when you have something/someone to daydream about. And I could overhear him talking. I know I sound like a total creep for eavesdropping, but I just really liked his accent. Did I mention the best part: he was Scottish!

            When the bus pulled into the station he asked if I was staying in Manchester for the night, I told him no (because that was the truth) but I can’t help but wonder what he would have said if the answer was yes? When I threw my bag over my shoulder I gave him one last glance before I walked away, and it almost looked like he wanted to say something. But maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

            We always hear stories about those people who meet their soul mates in the most unexpected of places and things just click. But what if you meet them and never see them again? I’m not saying that this guy is my soul mate – I talked to him for less than an hour for goodness sake – but I liked him and I think that he may have even liked me too.

            This all makes me wonder: if each person has one soul mate who they are meant to be with (I’m not saying that I necessarily believe this, but it sounds nice), will fate bring them together? What if you only have one shot? My grandma met my grandpa when he came into the restaurant where she was waitressing, he gave her a ride home and they married a few months later. My dad met my mom in a bar, he asked her to dance a dozen times before she said yes. What if he had given up (like a sane person)? What if my grandpa had chosen a different restaurant? Would they have crossed paths again, or would they have never met?

            These are questions that no one will ever be able to answer, and that’s OK. I know that I will probably never see the guy from the bus ever again, but I know that next time I’m in Manchester, I’ll be looking.

What I Am Not Going To Do

            So I read a short story a few months ago in which a girl moves from the Midwest (or something like that) to LA and the only guy she ends up sleeping with is a guy with a southern accent and cowboy boots. I quite liked the irony of this story, but I totally thought: When I go to England I am not going to fall for any American guys.

            Well, no shock here, I’ve got a crush on a guy from the Midwest. In my defence, I’m from California, so he is a bit exotic. Right?

            Another thing that I always told myself I would not do: end up with a guy like my father. I love my dad, but I honestly don’t know how my mother can stand being married to him (harsh, I know). And we all know that total cliché of girls being attracted to men like their father’s. Unfortunately, it is more than a myth. On top of it all, bad boys really are more attractive. So here, I’ve got a crush on a guy who a) is from the Midwest (the same state as my dad), b) is an awful dancer and drinks way too much (like my dad), and c) has trouble written all over him (not literally of course, that would be a turn-off for sure).

            The biggest reason why I should not like this guy: he clearly does not like me. Perhaps this draws me to certain guys more than anything. I like guys who will never like me, because it is safe. There is no risk because nothing will ever happen. This is a habit that I noticed in high school, but I either don’t want to or don’t know how to change it.

            I like this guy, there is nothing I can do about that, but I think this time around I’m going to do things a bit differently. I am not going to Facebook stalk him. I am not going to daydream about getting drunk and making out with him. I am not going stare at him in class when he’s not looking. I am not going to listen to sad sappy songs and think about him. And I’m going to stop writing blogs about him. (I’m a bit creepy, aren’t I?)

            I’m breaking about four of these rules right now, aren’t I? I have sad-sappy music playing in the background, I was just looking at his Facebook pictures, I’m blogging about him this very second, and I’m totally imagining myself going to the bar tomorrow and getting drunk and dancing awkwardly with him. That is so not going to happen…

Unrealistic Expectations

I’m reading a book to prepare to studying abroad next semester. This book states over and over again how important it is to have realistic expectations and to not be too optimistic, because then you will just be disappointed and sad. I’m pretty notorious for expecting things to turn out better than is likely… or possible. So I thought I would share with you some of my most unrealistic expectations for my upcoming adventure:

  1. It would be the coolest thing in the world to meet one of the cast members of the Harry Potter series. The country seems so small in comparison to the US that I’m just bound to run into one at some point! Ok, maybe not, but a girl can dream.
  2. Similarly, several of my favorite authors are from England, and I would love to meet one of them. Probably as unlikely as the previous.
  3. I hope that I make a lot of friends very quickly and they embrace me because I’m an odd American. I’ve never been very good at making friends, and I guess being weird isn’t the best plan for making friends either. But for some reason it made sense in my head.
  4. I’m kind of hoping that when I get there I’ll just suddenly be a completely different person. It’s like a fresh start, so what’s stopping me from being exactly who I want to be? I’ll suddenly be confident and fun and lovable and everyone will want to hang out with me. This may be the most unrealistic of all, probably also the one which will cause the most problems for me.

There you have it. And you know what? I don’t think I’m going to even work on thinking realistically; it’s just too much fun dreaming.

Unfriended

I’m a bit heartbroken, and it’s kind of pathetic why. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

            Two years ago I met a guy in one of my freshman classes. I was very attracted to him, like more attracted than I have ever been to any guy ever. And it’s not because he’s some gorgeous sex god. What I am going to say (write) next is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever said, but this is how attracted I was to him: I felt like if God had made someone especially for me it was this guy. And I’m not even a very religious person.

            When I get a crush on a guy I fall really hard, really fast and I like them for a really long time (I’m talking several years). The stupid thing is, I fall for them for really stupid reasons. It’s not like I get to really know these guys and become friends with them and I feel like I know them inside out. I see them in class, I might make small talk with them before or after class, we say hi in the halls or whatever. That’s about it. And based on that little bit of information and what I can gather from Facebook stalking (I’ll talk about this later) I get a massive undying crush on them. It’s stupid and illogical and I hate myself for it, but that’s just how it happens for me. Maybe this is why I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc.

            So, I knew this guy in class and we talked every once in a while. I added him as a friend on Facebook (which was actually really hard for me to do and I felt very bold, like I’d made some big move. That’s about as bold as I get) and he accepted. He occasionally Facebook chatted with me (just about homework) and I had only been on the site for a few months so I thought this was a certain sign that he liked me. He even asked me if he could get a ride somewhere while I was driving home for a long weekend. I was super excited, but he cancelled. That was a long time ago, while we still had a class together.

            After that class ended he kept saying hi to me for like a whole year whenever I would see him on campus. After a while it just got awkward and we barely ran into each other and never spoke. He still smiles when I walk past him, but it’s just friendly. I’m not going to lie, this whole time I’ve been watching his Facebook rather closely to see if he was still single (he is, and has been through this whole thing) and honestly, because he’s really cute and I would look at his pictures sometimes. Not in a perverted way, just in a I wish I had the courage to make a move kind of way. Maybe a bit creepy, sure. But it was just innocent Facebook stalking, we all do it sometimes. I just did it perhaps a bit more often.

            So, I have had a massive crush on this guy for two years. I was just thinking about how much I would like to go to a party, get drunk (for the first time ever), and tell him how much I like him (see my previous post, I just wrote it like an hour before I wrote this, before I went on Facebook). I was listening to sappy love songs (thank you Colbie Caillat) and day dreaming when I went on Facebook. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked on his pictures, and it said “_____ only shares some information with everyone. If you know _____ add him as a friend”. I was initially confused, thinking but we are friends. Then I realized: I had been unfriended. By the guy who I have had a massive crush on for two years.

            I really want to say I understand why he unfriended me, it’s not like we talk or hang out. But the thing is, this guy has hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I know he can’t possibly be actual friends with all of them. So, I don’t understand it, at all. Why did he unfriend me? I thought maybe he was weeding through his friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And why would he even bother to unfriend me at all? If my posts were annoying he could have just made it so they don’t show up on his news feed (I doubt all of his friends’ posts show up anyway, because that would be A LOT). So I’m a bit worried that one of those stupid “see who has been looking at your Facebook” things has actually worked, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. If it is possible though, I might as well go into hiding now. If that’s not it, then why? I can’t help but take it personally.

            And I’m pissed. Not at this guy (Ok, maybe a little), but at myself. I’m so mad at myself for doing the same thing I always do: allowing myself think that something is possible that isn’t. I actually thought that this guy might have liked me at some point, and I thought that it might be possible that he still liked me. When you never see someone, you can make stuff up and you will have nothing to prove you wrong. But now I know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t like me. And he probably never did.

A Daydream of a Kiss

            I look into his warm brown eyes; my mind goes blank in the best way possible. For the first time in far too long I stop analyzing every little move. I move the slightest bit closer to him and I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks. My chest is tight and I’m not even sure if I’m breathing. But I know my heart is still beating, because I can feel my pulse quickening as he leans in so that his face is just a few inches from mine. He stops and I don’t hesitate to lean into him fast, pressing my lips to his.

            It takes him a second to catch on and kiss me back, hard and sweet at the same time. I’m definitely breathing now, and my cheeks are as warm as ever. We stop for a second and I look into his eyes before closing mine and kissing him with more passion than I ever thought I possessed.

            Within a minute I’m pushed against a wall, and for the first time notice how much my legs are shaking. I don’t want to ever stop kissing him, but if I don’t sit down soon I’m surely going to fall over. I pull away, kissing him softly a few times before sitting down on the ground and taking a long deep breath.

            He sits down next to me and takes my hand and in that instant the whole world rushes back to me. The sun is shining on us and the wind is gently rustling the leaves in the trees. A few people are walking on the path a short distance away. The ground is hard beneath me, my back is against a brick wall, I’m breathing in the sweet spring air, and I’m holding his hand in mine.

A Random Blog: About A Boy I Can’t Get Off My Mind

            It is 8pm and I have sooooo much reading due tomorrow that I’ve barely even started (I’m not loving the time change either!). I should NOT be blogging right now. But I can barely contain myself! Yes, I’m going to blog about a boy, again. I have no one to chat with! My best friend/ roommate and I chat about basically everything, except crushes. So, hello there, would you like to hear about my nonexistent love life?

            So, I met this guy a few days ago during a school trip. As I was with a group of about forty college kids for three days, I saw quite a lot of him. And I liked what I saw. He is so sweet, and cute, and nice, and friendly, and happy, and dorky. Basically, he is borderline perfect. And he actually talked to me. Guys don’t typically show much interest in me, but I would almost go so far as to say he almost seemed like he might like me. I don’t have much experience in the realm of attraction or flirting (err, well, I’ve been attracted to loads of guys, but I never get the signal that they are attracted to me). So, I’m not sure if it’s just his personality to be really friendly and chatty, or if he singled me out to be friendly and chatty with. And if he did single me out is it because he just thought I looked nice, or could have possibly thought I looked cute? If you haven’t noticed, I like to analyze EVERYTHING.

            Anyway, this isn’t what I’m really concerned with. Actually I’m not concerned with anything, for a change. I’m quite happy. But I can’t stop thinking about this guy and, frankly, how much I want him. I re-watched the movie Stranger Than Fiction about a week ago (if you haven’t seen it you should, it’s good) and can’t help thinking of the line “I want you”. I think it’s a great pickup line (as far as pickup lines go), but also, I think it describes my feelings so well. I don’t know exactly why I want this guy so bad, I just know I do.

            Also, I suppose it is worth noting, that guys aren’t the only ones who objectify the opposite sex and day dream about them taking off their clothes. This really doesn’t have much to do with my post; I just wanted to let you know if you happen to be a guy and didn’t already know. Not that I only like this guy for his body. I thought he was cute, but barely ever noticed him until we started talking. His personality is the reason I’m sitting around thinking about him, I just might happen to be thinking about his body.

            Anyway, I just had to blog because I should be reading Jane Eyre, but I’m way too hyper to concentrate because I’m thinking of this guy and smiling like a loon. Before I met him I had a huge crush on another guy who I almost never see anymore (I’ve blogged about him loads of times), but that crush has now taken up second place in my mind. By the way, I’m the type of girl who always has a crush on at least one guy. The last time I wasn’t crushing on someone was when I was about four years old. A bit sad considering I’ve never even been on a date.

            Ok, this concludes my very random, pointless, disjointed blog post. Sorry that it didn’t really have a purpose, I just had to get some things off of my chest so I can get my homework done!

One Year From Now

            Do you ever sit around and wonder where your life will be in one year? I do… especially when I should be studying for finals or writing essays. Last week I indulged in a little daydreaming about studying abroad in London for a semester. How fun does that sound!? I’ve never even been on an airplane, but here I am spending hours looking at fancy overseas universities.

            So, I was wondering, what will I be doing one year from now? Could I be preparing to spend a semester abroad? And if so, then where? Argentina, Peru, England, Spain, or somewhere else? Could I actually have a boyfriend? This is even harder to imagine than studying in a foreign country. Or will I be doing exactly what I’m doing right now… blogging while I should be studying? Hmmm, if I were to place a bet on it I’d go with the last one. But you never know where your life will take you!

            Where do I hope I’ll be one year from now? I would like to be a million dollar lottery winner with a bestselling novel, a super hot/ sweet boyfriend, perfect hair and skin, and an ocean of opportunities. Just kidding! What a boring life that would be! But I do hope I have a little bit of excitement in the next year… and a boyfriend wouldn’t hurt either.

Another Post About That Guy I Can’t Stop Thinking About

            I really need to be studying for my upcoming statistics test. But I cannot concentrate at all. I keep thinking about a guy. I thought maybe I’d gotten past him, but then I noticed him at the volleyball game last night and haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.

            Now, don’t get the idea that there was actually something between the two of us. Only in my dreams. But I’ve had a huge crush on him for the past year. I don’t believe in love at first sight, because I think that’s too superficial to mean anything; but I’ve liked him pretty much since I met him. We had a class together last year, and I talked to him more than I talk to most guys. Which still isn’t much, but it’s not like I am just in love with some random guy who has no idea who I am (oh, I’ve done that before too).

            I don’t know why, but I’m just really attracted to him. I almost never run into him anymore. I think the last time we said hi to each other was a month ago, and it’s been like six months since we had an actual conversation. But still, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve tried, trust me. Especially when I heard that he can party pretty hard (I’m trying to avoid guys who drink a lot because I have way too much of that in my life already because of my family). But, seeing as I’m in college, it’s kind of hard to find guys who don’t drink.

            It seems like I’m just not going to forget about him. I’m fine with that. But it would be nice if I could see him without feeling like my heart is longing for some great missing piece. Sorry for being a drama queen. But I must add that he has the most amazing eyes ever and I find myself just thinking about looking into them. Yes, the mind of a teenage girl is a strange place.

A Quick Thought

I let myself daydream today. Daydream that maybe I’m capable of being attractive and interesting. That maybe there is someone out there in that big world who sees me as a girl worth lusting after, worth dating, worth loving. Maybe.

I just wish I knew when to let myself daydream.