I’m a bit heartbroken, and it’s kind of pathetic why. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

            Two years ago I met a guy in one of my freshman classes. I was very attracted to him, like more attracted than I have ever been to any guy ever. And it’s not because he’s some gorgeous sex god. What I am going to say (write) next is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever said, but this is how attracted I was to him: I felt like if God had made someone especially for me it was this guy. And I’m not even a very religious person.

            When I get a crush on a guy I fall really hard, really fast and I like them for a really long time (I’m talking several years). The stupid thing is, I fall for them for really stupid reasons. It’s not like I get to really know these guys and become friends with them and I feel like I know them inside out. I see them in class, I might make small talk with them before or after class, we say hi in the halls or whatever. That’s about it. And based on that little bit of information and what I can gather from Facebook stalking (I’ll talk about this later) I get a massive undying crush on them. It’s stupid and illogical and I hate myself for it, but that’s just how it happens for me. Maybe this is why I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc.

            So, I knew this guy in class and we talked every once in a while. I added him as a friend on Facebook (which was actually really hard for me to do and I felt very bold, like I’d made some big move. That’s about as bold as I get) and he accepted. He occasionally Facebook chatted with me (just about homework) and I had only been on the site for a few months so I thought this was a certain sign that he liked me. He even asked me if he could get a ride somewhere while I was driving home for a long weekend. I was super excited, but he cancelled. That was a long time ago, while we still had a class together.

            After that class ended he kept saying hi to me for like a whole year whenever I would see him on campus. After a while it just got awkward and we barely ran into each other and never spoke. He still smiles when I walk past him, but it’s just friendly. I’m not going to lie, this whole time I’ve been watching his Facebook rather closely to see if he was still single (he is, and has been through this whole thing) and honestly, because he’s really cute and I would look at his pictures sometimes. Not in a perverted way, just in a I wish I had the courage to make a move kind of way. Maybe a bit creepy, sure. But it was just innocent Facebook stalking, we all do it sometimes. I just did it perhaps a bit more often.

            So, I have had a massive crush on this guy for two years. I was just thinking about how much I would like to go to a party, get drunk (for the first time ever), and tell him how much I like him (see my previous post, I just wrote it like an hour before I wrote this, before I went on Facebook). I was listening to sappy love songs (thank you Colbie Caillat) and day dreaming when I went on Facebook. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked on his pictures, and it said “_____ only shares some information with everyone. If you know _____ add him as a friend”. I was initially confused, thinking but we are friends. Then I realized: I had been unfriended. By the guy who I have had a massive crush on for two years.

            I really want to say I understand why he unfriended me, it’s not like we talk or hang out. But the thing is, this guy has hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I know he can’t possibly be actual friends with all of them. So, I don’t understand it, at all. Why did he unfriend me? I thought maybe he was weeding through his friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And why would he even bother to unfriend me at all? If my posts were annoying he could have just made it so they don’t show up on his news feed (I doubt all of his friends’ posts show up anyway, because that would be A LOT). So I’m a bit worried that one of those stupid “see who has been looking at your Facebook” things has actually worked, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. If it is possible though, I might as well go into hiding now. If that’s not it, then why? I can’t help but take it personally.

            And I’m pissed. Not at this guy (Ok, maybe a little), but at myself. I’m so mad at myself for doing the same thing I always do: allowing myself think that something is possible that isn’t. I actually thought that this guy might have liked me at some point, and I thought that it might be possible that he still liked me. When you never see someone, you can make stuff up and you will have nothing to prove you wrong. But now I know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t like me. And he probably never did.


Facebook Confessions: To My Crush

 The guy I have a crush on is NEVER going to read this, nor would I ever tell him that I do any of these things (because I’m aware of how creepy and stalker-ish they seem… and are). But these are the things I would have to confess to if I was the honest type:

(1) I check your Facebook relationship status almost every day (sometimes more) to make sure you’re still single. And I smile everyday when I read “single”.

(2) I put on angst-y love songs and look through your Facebook pictures. You have the most gorgeous eyes, by the way. Actually, you’re just gorgeous in general.

 (3) You sent me an invite to an event last week and my stomach instantly felt like it was full of butterflies. Even after I realized you’d basically invited your entire friends list, it still made me smile.

(4) I get nervous about the girls in your pictures with you and the girls who write on your wall. I compare myself with them and hope that you’re just friends.

(5) I dread the day when I read “Bob Scotts* is in a relationship with ________”, but I feel that it is inevitable because I think that you are such a great guy.

            *Name had been changed

I really need to stop Facebook stalking people…

                I once again find myself at 12:30am torturing myself. I should be getting ready for bed or doing the reading that’s due tomorrow which I haven’t started. But no, I’m on Facebook forcing myself to semi-stalk the new girlfriend of the guy I’ve had a secret crush on for … ten years!!! I’m a lunatic. How the hell can you like someone for that long when you know they have no interest in you! Of course, I care a little less now that we’re all in college and I may never see him again. I don’t plan on keeping in contact with more than like three people from my high school. I would like to pretend that high school never happened, except the last two months because that was actually fun. They make the end fun so you trick yourself into thinking you liked it. And then when you’re in college trying to decide what to do with your life you start thinking “I could teach high school English. It wasn’t that bad.” And then you pause and remember that you never want to go back there… ever. And it’s not like I had the worst high school experience ever. I wasn’t bullied and people were generally nice to me. But I barely spoke for the first two years, and some people actually thought I was a mute. It’s kind of hard to come back from that. And who wants to be friends with someone who is so shy they don’t talk? No one, that’s who.

                Anyway, I was looking at this guy’s Facebook, and it seems like he and his new girlfriend are so freakin’ happy together it makes me want to vomit. I’m not one of those girls who’s like “well if I can’t have him I hope they’re happy together” Yeah right! I hope she’s awful so he suddenly thinks “gosh I would be so much happier if I’d just ended up with Alice. But it’s too late now. I really missed out on a great thing.” Of course, the likelihood of that happening is equal to the likelihood of my hands catching on fire while I write this. I don’t know the exact probability of that, but I’m guessing it’s a pretty slim chance.

                So, after a while I find myself thinking “gosh, he could do better that this! Why is he with her?” And then I realize I’m a horrible person. Oh Facebook, how you torment me.

Facebook Stalking: Yes I Do It

            I’ve only had an account for a year, so I’m a little behind most people my age. I’m still discovering reasons why I love Facebook. A main reason is that as a shy person it makes connecting with people so much easier. And when you are bored, hours can fly by in what feels like minutes. But the #1 reason why I love Facebook is the stalking.

            Ok, so I’m not some crazy person who finds out where someone lives so they can drive by their house repeatedly for no reason. I’ve only done that once. But there is a certain satisfaction in knowing stuff about an old friend or crush that you haven’t seen in years.

            I recently stumbled upon the Facebook of a friend that moved away in 4th grade. I sent her a friend request, and to my surprise she accepted. Honestly, I have no plans on reconnecting with her, the friendship didn’t really mean that much to me. I was just curious to see how she turned out. Part of the reason for my curiosity was because we were born on the exact same day in the exact same hospital and our moms have the exact same name. I always thought this was really weird and that may be the only reason I remembered her to begin with. I checked out her Facebook info and realized she ended up a lot like me. Apparently after her family moved way out to the Midwest, they moved back just a few years later but she went to a different school district. It was creepy to realize someone I thought was on the other end of the country for the past eight years has lived within fifteen minutes driving distance of my house for most of those eight years. She is also an aspiring writer like me. We are probably more different than we are alike I guess, but Facebook profiles don’t show everything. Finding long-lost friends (even if you never contact them) is, in my opinion, one of the coolest things you can do on the internet.

            Looking up old crushes can also be very entertaining. Just a few hours ago I accidentally stumbled upon the Facebook page of a guy I had a crush on in 6th grade. He was the bad boy type that rarely caught my attention. But for some reason, I thought he was super cute. Luckily, that was the type of crush that was out-of-sight-out-of-mind, because I soon forgot all about him. Well, until today that is. I saw his name and suddenly the tiny little white kid in a wife-beater shirt and faded jeans came back into my mind. I still shudder to think I ever liked that sort of guy. Judging by his Facebook, I am so glad I forgot about him. Today he has a massive tattoo on his arm and an I-spent-all-day-tanning glow to go with it. Judging by the looks of his profile picture he spends far too much time in the gym and gelling up his hair.

            Although the above is entirely too enjoying, it is more often that I come across the guy who I pined over for years. The kind of guy I will always wish had noticed me. And of course, this is the guy whose Facebook makes you crush on them all over again. Their profile picture is often accompanied by some beautiful girl. Seeing as I’ve only been out of high school for a year, it’s easy to still have some feelings for a guy I wished would ask me to prom. Seeing this guy’s relationship status change from single to “in a relationship” always hurts a bit. And the urge to flip through their pictures usually wins out over the urge to not see him kissing some perfect blond. I try not to stalk guys from high school over Facebook very often, but despite the bad feelings it often brings up, I still enjoy it to some extent. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, maybe I’m a hopeless day dreamer, or maybe I just like to look at their gorgeous faces.

            I don’t like feeling like an internet creeper, but hey, they are the one’s who put it out on the world-wide-web for all to see.