All the Things I Never Say

Do you ever do that thing where you think of everything you’re going to say, and then you just don’t? That’s my life. Although, many of these things I would never even think of saying aloud, they are true nonetheless.

 

To my boyfriend:

I love you more than I thought I would ever love anyone romantically. And that scares me.

I would marry you tomorrow, even though I know it would be a bad idea.

I’m willing to work around my schedule to see you, but I feel like you aren’t willing to do the same.

I am busier than you.

Why didn’t you invite me to <insert event or holiday here>?

How come you can’t meet up with your friends AND hand out with me?

I would call you 5 times a day if I could do it without feeling crazy. (So instead I will just call you never)

I’m afraid that you don’t love me as much as I love you. Also, you have no idea how much I love you… because I don’t want to scare you. And I wonder, maybe I don’t know how much you love me either? Can you tell me, please?

I imagine marrying you and having the cutest babies in the whole world. I have ideas for names.

I imagine my wedding…to you. But don’t worry, I’ve been imagining my wedding since way before we started dating, the only difference is the you. (P.S. our colors are orange and green and I don’t care if it looks like Halloween!)

If I could not think about babies and marriage and moving in together I would!!! But I can’t control my thoughts, so get over it! I’m not going to drag you to the alter or anything.

 

At a job interview:

Why do you want to work for us? Because I need a paycheck.

What is your classroom management strategy? I couldn’t care less that students are talking, texting, passing notes, or not paying attention.

I never wanted to be a teacher. This is my backup plan. (I don’t even say this to myself! But slightly drunk me says, “it’s the truthhhhh!” Hopefully sober me disagrees tomorrow)

 

To my parents:

Ehhhh….I pretty much tell my mom EVERYTHING (like, way too much). She knows me better than I know myself.

 

Conclusion: I guess we all have a filter for a reason, just don’t let it get in the way when it’s important. That’s what drunk-texting is for! Have a good night, and tell someone that you love them way too much! (I’m not quite intoxicated enough for that, but it sounds fun!)

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Long Distance

Grad school has brought me many new challenges, stuff I never had to deal with as an undergrad. Most noticeably, maintaining a long distance relationship – or any relationship for that matter.

I’ve had to deal with homesickness and feeling lonely. But this feels different. I change my mind about my boyfriend on a daily basis. Granted, I wasn’t 100% happy with how our relationship went this summer. I felt like I didn’t see him enough and he felt like we saw each other all the time. It’s a little bit more complicated than that (at least to me… but then again, I never even told him that I felt like that) but that’s the easiest way to describe it.

For the first few days after I moved away I was too caught up in the excitement and nerves of starting something new. Then I started to miss him, really intensely at times. But before long I started getting annoyed. I felt (and still feel) like he wasn’t taking any initiative. He never called me, he never suggested we Skype. If we did Skype it was because I suggested it. We still texted daily, but it didn’t feel like enough. (I’m writing this all in the past tense, but really I still feel the same in many ways)

I thought that I was finally not missing him anymore. And that scared me. Because I haven’t seen him in nearly 6 weeks and if I don’t miss him then I figure that maybe I don’t love him anymore. Maybe I’ve felt ignored for too long, maybe my feelings have changed.

But then I got a voice mail from him, and the sound of his voice just made something in me crumble. And I’m right back to where I was at the very beginning: missing him.

My ever changing feelings are starting to drive me crazy. Sometimes it’s even hard to concentrate on my school work (granted, some of the readings are so boring). And sometimes (right now) I just need to get my feelings written down so that I can try to sort through them. I haven’t come to any conclusions, but I’ve organized my thoughts. And sometimes that’s all that you can do.

How Can You Know It Will Last Forever

It’s been 5 months since I officially started dating my boyfriend. He’s my first love. My first everything.

I don’t know what it’s like to be in love with anyone else. I hear all these stories that when you start dating “The One” you will know the difference. It will feel different. But how will I ever know if my love for him is different than for everyone else, when I’ve never loved anyone else. (I’m talking about romantic love exclusively, or course. I’m not some heartless person. I love a lot of people, but I don’t want to rip their clothes off)

Maybe it’s just because he’s my first love that I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way with their first love. Maybe in a few years I will look back with a greater understanding and it will all make sense. Maybe I’ll find someone else and it will feel different. But somewhere deep in my heart I know that no matter who I end up with, I will always have some love for my first. Not that I won’t be able to let him go, but I will always care about him.

Chances are we won’t be together for as long as I imagine when I let myself dream. And if this thing ends, I will know that it just isn’t meant to be. But I also know that if we somehow end up together forever, I will be happy with that. Not just content, but extremely happy.

Of course, maybe 5 months isn’t long enough to know any of this. But I can’t keep myself from thinking about it.

The “L” Word

Four months after making our relationship “official”, my boyfriend and I finally said the elusive “L” word… well, I finally let it slip, and then we said it in a more romantic way.

For the past month it has seemed that in every tv show I was watching there was an “L” word episode where two characters clearly loved each other but were afraid to say it until one character let the word slip in some awkward way. I was determined not to let this happen.

For a month I tried my hardest not to say the word every time we said goodbye or hung up from a Skype call or cuddled on the couch. I was going to say it when the time was right. Or better yet, I was going to wait for HIM to say it at the right time and then I would look him in the eyes and smile slowly and tell him that I love him too.

That did not happen.

Somehow, it ended up happening just like it happens in the TV shows. I held it in and I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. Then I let it slip when we were joking around, in a more awkward way than I’ve seen on any TV show.

It went something like this: he was doing something stupid and I jokingly said, “I’d love you even if you were …[you’ll have to fill in the blank yourself, because it wasn’t the nicest word, although I’m sure it’s not what you’re thinking]”. Followed quickly with “Sorry…” because I’d realized what I’d said and I thought I’d ruined the moment. We sat awkwardly for a few seconds before continuing with whatever random conversation we’d been having. But a few minutes later he stopped and asked why I said I was sorry. I might have some serious short-term memory problems because I literally had no clue he was talking about, and that’s what I told him and he must have thought I was lying. A few minutes later while we were making out it finally hit me what he was talking about. Then, finally, he said “I have really strong feelings for you.” And I took a deep breath and said “I love you”… only it was much harder to say that I expected. The words caught in my throat and came out so quiet they were hardly even a whisper. “What?” was his oh-so-romantic response. So I took a deep breath and said it again, this time just barely load enough for him to hear. And he said he loves me too.

And in the end, even though I made a mess of things, it was perfect and beautiful and a little bit funny.

I wouldn’t change how it happened, although I don’t know why it took me so long to say it and why it was so hard to get out when I finally did say it. That’s where my story is different from the TV shows and the movies. I couldn’t shout it from the roof tops, I could barely whisper it! There were so many moments when I wanted to say it, when I felt it, but I could not bring the words to my lips. I do love him. I loved for quite some time before I said it. And I wanted to tell him so badly. But there is such a heaviness in that word. It means so much, I wanted to be certain that I meant it when I said it. But I can’t help thinking about all the time that we wasted not telling each other how we felt, even though it was so obvious.

I’m glad we can say it now. It feels wonderful and freeing and even kind of magical.

My Boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown

9 Reasons Why My Boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown:
 

  1. He never cries during movies
    (not even Marley and Me!)
  2. He wears sunscreen and a hat every time he goes outside
    (even when it’s raining)
  3. He loves puns
    (even the ones that are too stupid for little kids)
  4. He couldn’t stop making jokes when he thought his pet bird was going to die
    (although he at least waited till his sister was in the other room)
  5.  He hates perfect sunny days
    (but he loves the clouds)
  6. He is constantly making weird faces
    (for no reason at all)
  7. He hates poetry
    (but still seems genuinely interested when I talk about it)
  8. He stays up late with me
    (even when he has to get up early)
  9. He makes me laugh every day
    (sometimes even when he’s making weird faces)

Those are the reasons why my boyfriend is a Heartless Vampire Clown. And those are just some of the reasons why I like him so much.

The Guy on the Bus

            I’ve just returned from a week-long whirl-wind adventure in London and Edinburgh, but there is something I just can’t get off my mind: the guy on the bus. I don’t even know how to explain all of the exciting things I did while traveling, it’s just too much to get my head around. But I can get my head around this.

            I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when this guy sat next to me I was thinking “Yes! The hot guy is sitting next to me!” What was even more impressive: he talked to me! OK, so maybe I was a little too excited about this, but I’ve had far too many experiences sitting next to strangers who do not talk (I have no right to judge, I don’t start conversations either). He wore his seatbelt… on a bus! I was impressed: this is a guy who follows rules. He talked to me about the pandas in the zoo, so he must like animals. And he was smart. What more could a girl ask for?

            Unfortunately we had to switch busses after only forty minutes, but I ended up sitting behind him on the next bus. Time goes by much faster when you have something/someone to daydream about. And I could overhear him talking. I know I sound like a total creep for eavesdropping, but I just really liked his accent. Did I mention the best part: he was Scottish!

            When the bus pulled into the station he asked if I was staying in Manchester for the night, I told him no (because that was the truth) but I can’t help but wonder what he would have said if the answer was yes? When I threw my bag over my shoulder I gave him one last glance before I walked away, and it almost looked like he wanted to say something. But maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

            We always hear stories about those people who meet their soul mates in the most unexpected of places and things just click. But what if you meet them and never see them again? I’m not saying that this guy is my soul mate – I talked to him for less than an hour for goodness sake – but I liked him and I think that he may have even liked me too.

            This all makes me wonder: if each person has one soul mate who they are meant to be with (I’m not saying that I necessarily believe this, but it sounds nice), will fate bring them together? What if you only have one shot? My grandma met my grandpa when he came into the restaurant where she was waitressing, he gave her a ride home and they married a few months later. My dad met my mom in a bar, he asked her to dance a dozen times before she said yes. What if he had given up (like a sane person)? What if my grandpa had chosen a different restaurant? Would they have crossed paths again, or would they have never met?

            These are questions that no one will ever be able to answer, and that’s OK. I know that I will probably never see the guy from the bus ever again, but I know that next time I’m in Manchester, I’ll be looking.

Facebook Confessions: To My Crush

 The guy I have a crush on is NEVER going to read this, nor would I ever tell him that I do any of these things (because I’m aware of how creepy and stalker-ish they seem… and are). But these are the things I would have to confess to if I was the honest type:

(1) I check your Facebook relationship status almost every day (sometimes more) to make sure you’re still single. And I smile everyday when I read “single”.

(2) I put on angst-y love songs and look through your Facebook pictures. You have the most gorgeous eyes, by the way. Actually, you’re just gorgeous in general.

 (3) You sent me an invite to an event last week and my stomach instantly felt like it was full of butterflies. Even after I realized you’d basically invited your entire friends list, it still made me smile.

(4) I get nervous about the girls in your pictures with you and the girls who write on your wall. I compare myself with them and hope that you’re just friends.

(5) I dread the day when I read “Bob Scotts* is in a relationship with ________”, but I feel that it is inevitable because I think that you are such a great guy.

            *Name had been changed