An Ambiguous Something

No matter how happy I feel, no matter how proud I am of myself, no matter what I’ve accomplished, there is always this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m missing something. I wish I could say that I’m confused and unsure of what I want in life. That would be simple. But I know exactly what I want and I know I can’t have it. And I know that the reason I can’t have it isn’t because of some outside force, some injustice in the world, or something I can blame my problems on. The reason I can’t have what I want is because I’m standing in my own way. It’s one thing to be angry with someone; it’s an entirely different thing to be angry with yourself.

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No One Can Find Z: A Poem

An A is all I wanted,

But I got a

C

Do you know

Everything in me screamed

Fail!!!!

Good grief

How does this keep happening!

I try and try, but I

Just

Keep

Letting

Myself down!

Never able to

Overcome my faults, my

Plans going to waste! I might as well

Quit before it’s too late, before the

Revolving door

Slams in my face, knocks out my

Teeth and

Unveils my inability to be

Victorious.

We all know that

X leads to Y, and

Y leads to X, but no one can find

Z.

Just for a Laugh

I haven’t blogged in a while because my schedule is getting the best of me. So I thought I would post a few funny quotes that I collected from eves dropping on people last semester. I hope they make you laugh as much as they did me.

  • “I like my girls like I like my popsicle sticks: stupid and kind of funny” –The guy who stands behind me during pep band, I could not help but laugh out loud even though I was pretending not to listen.
  • “I like my girls like I like my penis: short but willing to try” –OMG, another quote from pep band.
  • My British Literature professor was the funniest woman I’ve ever met. One day she brought in a bunch of crazy props for us to use while acting out Hamlet. She pulled out a five foot tall plastic flamingo and said “This is Fabio”. A student then used Fabio as a prop and acting as Ophelia’s brother told her that “[Hamlet] just wants to stick his lawn decoration in your secret garden”. WOW, that was the best class ever.
  • The aforementioned professor then proceeded to give us advice in case we ever get into a sword fight.
  • Her phone also went off near the beginning of the semester and her ringtone was “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” The class got silent and then cracked up all at once.

 

*I do not take credit for any of the above quotes, I just thought they were funny and wrote them down. I hope they came across as funny even though they were kind of “you had to be there” jokes.

A little bit of negativity

            I went to the gym today and probably burned about 150 calories. Now I’m eating a Twix candy bar which is 250 calories. I have no reason for sharing this with you, it’s just a bit depressing and I thought I would share my negative thoughts with. I made myself a goal this week: no being negative. I think I’ve done pretty well so far. But I’m having a bit of a not-great day, so I thought maybe if I’m just a little bit negative then I won’t explode. So sorry, but you get my little bit of negativity. At least you don’t have to hear about how I broke a mirror, cut my hands cleaning it up, hate one of my teachers, and have about sixty pages of reading due tomorrow that I haven’t started. Yeah for positivity… and sarcasm.

Zombie FairyTale: Part 2

NOTE: I left off from part 1 in kind of an odd place, sorry about that. Also, I know the title says it’s a fairytale, but I’ve decided to go in a different direction. I hope you enjoy it!         

 There’s plenty I’d like to never see again, but some things are inevitable. Death, heartbreak, struggle, injustice, loneliness. The list is as never ending as it is depressing. But I manage to keep my head up and keep moving along. I’m preparing. I will not go easy. In my little cupboard of a room I’ve got a whole arsenal of knives, guns, shields, and even a sword I stole from the armory. It was one of the prince’s finest, but he won’t even notice it’s gone, it’s three season’s old and his father’s had him about six swords made since. Although I couldn’t help but notice the armory was looking a little sparser since I was last there before the invasion. I can’t be the only one sneaking protection here and there. But like I said, I’m safe in the castle. For now anyway.

            But as soon as those brain-hungry zombies start to attack the village I’m out of here. I will die before I see my family turned because no one is willing to step out from the cushy castle to help. I’ve been practicing too, with Prince Cameron. Not with his stolen sword of course, that would be beyond stupid. But he’s actually a pretty nice guy, not nearly as vain and ignorant as his sister, if he was he wouldn’t be caught dead helping a servant in his free time. He’s a bit of a geek actually; he tutors at the little school house and spend his extra time reading. But like all good princes he knows how to fight. He was practically raised with a sword as his teddy bear.

            The King and Queen aren’t the most loving parents around. I started working for the royal family six years ago, when I was only eleven, and their third child was seven years old. I saw how they raised Princess Catherine, and I could see why Cameron would cling to a sword before he would confront his parents. Catherine was groomed into a perfect princess, even though that meant missing out on a childhood and friends, and that’s not something that can be regained during a zombie war. She’s thirteen now, but you wouldn’t know it if you sat down to tea with her. She’s much more mature than her older sister, although that’s not saying much.

            One might expect that after six years of working with Princess Cornelia we might actually be friends, but sometimes I wonder if she even knows my name. No doubt something she learned from her parents who still call me “servant” every time they address me. But I don’t think it will be too long now until the castle is overrun by zombies, then they will have to learn to fend for themselves. I’ve heard the other servants talking, I pretend not to listen and I’m pretty good at being invisible when I want to be, so no one watches what they say around me and I hear all the best gossip. The others are out of here the second the walls are breached, some even plan to leave early and get a head start.

            I’ve also heard the knights talking, their defenses are strong but the zombies are growing in numbers each day. There’s also word that peasants on the outskirts are organizing and plan to break through. I don’t blame them for wanting the protection of the kingdom, there is no reason why everyone on the outskirts can’t cross over the moat and enter the small enclosed city. There’s room enough for everyone and resources for at least a month. But the King and Queen are very strict about their decree that no one gets in and no one gets out. I expect that I’m one of only a few who’ve been on the outside in months. When I’m practicing with Prince Cameron he tells me of the knights’ great frustration that they are locked within the kingdom walls and unable to fight the evil in the world. He jokes that if the zombies don’t break in soon, the knights will break out. I wish he was right.

            I want someone out there protecting my family and all those families on the outskirts. Over the past few weeks there have been three attempts by zombies trying to get into their boarded up cottage. The groups are small now, but even zombies don’t take long to figure out that they are stronger together than apart. I just wish the rulers of this kingdom were as smart, because I don’t know how much longer my family has until waiting is no longer an option.

I couldn’t blog… becuase a tree fell on my house

So, I was trying to get better about posting regularly. And I’d finally gotten in a pretty good routine, but then I came home from college and our home internet wasn’t working. We were going to get it fixed, but a 150 foot tall tree fell on our house and almost killed us and destroyed our house. My parents, two brothers, dog, and I all managed to get out with only a few scratches. We stayed with family for a few days, now we are staying in a hotel until we can get a rental house. I’m so happy that we are all alive, but living in a hotel with my family for up to two weeks is going to be a challenge. But at least the hotel has internet access!

In the next few days I’ll post a blog about what it was like to be in the house as it was falling apart all around me, I wrote it only hours after it happened. Anyway, I hope everyone is having a less eventful Christmas break than me. Happy holidays!

Dazed: A Poem

Chairs scrape noisily,

and I come out of my daze.

I’ve been there, in that chair,

for who-knows-how-long.

I’m not even sure what I’d been thinking

as I sat there

and stared at my desk,

stared at it, but did not see it,

I was thinking about

who-knows-what.

I sure don’t…

or maybe I do,

I search my brain

for who-know-what

only to find it blank and empty.

But, perhaps that is it,

perhaps I was thinking of emptiness.

That big black emptiness

the kind that grabs you

when you realize you’re alone

when you realize how long you’ve been alone,

and how long you will be alone.

That emptiness that sucks you in

until you have no other option,

but to be alone

in that cold, black, emptiness.

One Year From Now

            Do you ever sit around and wonder where your life will be in one year? I do… especially when I should be studying for finals or writing essays. Last week I indulged in a little daydreaming about studying abroad in London for a semester. How fun does that sound!? I’ve never even been on an airplane, but here I am spending hours looking at fancy overseas universities.

            So, I was wondering, what will I be doing one year from now? Could I be preparing to spend a semester abroad? And if so, then where? Argentina, Peru, England, Spain, or somewhere else? Could I actually have a boyfriend? This is even harder to imagine than studying in a foreign country. Or will I be doing exactly what I’m doing right now… blogging while I should be studying? Hmmm, if I were to place a bet on it I’d go with the last one. But you never know where your life will take you!

            Where do I hope I’ll be one year from now? I would like to be a million dollar lottery winner with a bestselling novel, a super hot/ sweet boyfriend, perfect hair and skin, and an ocean of opportunities. Just kidding! What a boring life that would be! But I do hope I have a little bit of excitement in the next year… and a boyfriend wouldn’t hurt either.

Feeling Inferior

            I feel like I am constantly surrounded by people who are better that me. No matter where I go I feel inferior to those around me for one reason or another. I’m either too fat, or too stupid, or not talented enough, or too lazy, or not pretty enough, or too argumentative, or not bold enough, or too shy, or too clumsy, or too self-conscious, or too worried about all my inadequacies. Yes, it’s a long list, and those are only a portion of my insecurities. There is not really a point to this blog. Just felt like sharing with you.

Another Post About That Guy I Can’t Stop Thinking About

            I really need to be studying for my upcoming statistics test. But I cannot concentrate at all. I keep thinking about a guy. I thought maybe I’d gotten past him, but then I noticed him at the volleyball game last night and haven’t been able to stop thinking about him.

            Now, don’t get the idea that there was actually something between the two of us. Only in my dreams. But I’ve had a huge crush on him for the past year. I don’t believe in love at first sight, because I think that’s too superficial to mean anything; but I’ve liked him pretty much since I met him. We had a class together last year, and I talked to him more than I talk to most guys. Which still isn’t much, but it’s not like I am just in love with some random guy who has no idea who I am (oh, I’ve done that before too).

            I don’t know why, but I’m just really attracted to him. I almost never run into him anymore. I think the last time we said hi to each other was a month ago, and it’s been like six months since we had an actual conversation. But still, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve tried, trust me. Especially when I heard that he can party pretty hard (I’m trying to avoid guys who drink a lot because I have way too much of that in my life already because of my family). But, seeing as I’m in college, it’s kind of hard to find guys who don’t drink.

            It seems like I’m just not going to forget about him. I’m fine with that. But it would be nice if I could see him without feeling like my heart is longing for some great missing piece. Sorry for being a drama queen. But I must add that he has the most amazing eyes ever and I find myself just thinking about looking into them. Yes, the mind of a teenage girl is a strange place.