Ramblings of a Lovesick 20-Something

I’ve got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, spreading throughout my chest and into my throat. And I can’t tell if it’s a good feeling or a bad feeling. I don’t know if I want it to stop, or to grow stronger.

Urban Dictionary confirms my suspicions that I’m lovesick: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lovesick. But It’s hard to tell; I’ve never actually been in love.

But it’s that unmistakable feeling I get when I have a crush on a guy and know that I like him way too much. It’s the feeling of doom when I realize that we’ll never be together, and the feeling of hope that spreads through me when I think that it just has to happen because we’re clearly meant to be together, and the feeling of embarrassment because I know that I’m not being logical. It’s the feeling of day dreams and nightmares, the feeling that everything is possible and everything is doomed, it’s the feeling of falling and the feeling of being caught. It’s the unknown, the infinite possibilities, the never-gonna-happen, and the maybe if I could just be different everything would work out.

Those are my feelings right now. And they’re just too big to get down on paper right.

I don’t know that I’ve ever liked a guy as much as I like this guy. But I literally think that every time I have a serious crush on anyone. And now he’s about to leave, and I already miss him. And I feel so foolish because there’s not even anything between us. A work friendship. Nothing more. But, oh, I want it to be more. It’s stupid, but I can literally feel my heart aching for there to be more.

Every time he stands close I just want him to be closer. Every time he smiles, I want him to never stop smiling. Every time he says my name my heart beats a little bit faster. I don’t touch people, but I want to touch him. I’m afraid that he’s going to slip away forever. I’m afraid that I’ll never get a chance.

I know that if he doesn’t already like me he never will. And that may be the most terrifying thought of all: that there’s nothing I can do, nothing I can change, nothing I can improve upon.

He hasn’t asked me out yet. And he’s leaving in a week. So he never will. So, I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to guess that he doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him. And he never will. He will never want me the way I want him.

I’m afraid that I’ve lost something that was meant to be. But if it was meant to be, it would have happened, right? You either believe in fate or you don’t. I’m not sure what I believe. But I know that when he smiles at me there is nowhere I would rather be than standing next to him laughing, even if we are standing behind the deli counter making sandwiches for rude tourists.

[UPDATE: He asked me out on our last day working together – though it was not a date so much as just hanging out together for a couple of hours. Since then, we’ve kept in touch and plan to meet up when he’s home from school. But here’s the exciting part: HE DOES LIKE ME! He even told me exactly that, so there’s no more guessing! I am still a lovesick 20-something, and I love it.]

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Why am I Still Single?

I’m still currently buried in homework, but that light at the end of the tunnel is so close now. Unfortunately, I really don’t have the time or energy to write a blog post (I had a long, rough day after just three hours of sleep). So I’m going to give you a something I wrote back in August, but forgot to post. I guess I’m still asking the same question now that I was asking myself that night, but now I’ve pretty much given up on trying to get a boyfriend so I can focus on myself (yah right, we’ll see how long that lasts!). So here it is:

            I have some issues, I’ll be the first to admit to that. But I find myself asking the same question on a daily basis: Why the hell can’t I get a boyfriend?

            I’m twenty years old and have never been on a date, been kissed, been in a relationship, and I have only ever been asked out once – when I was in eighth grade and the creepeist guy in class asked me to a dance (rumor is, he’d already been rejected by a dozen other girls). I said no, or course. So, I have basically zero experience with guys. I feel like this should only be the fate of someone who is truly hideous or absolutely horrible to be around.  But I’m not THAT bad. Besides, my best friend has an equally short list of experience (and she’s tall and thin!). So I know that I’m not alone in my awful luck with boys.

            But I really think that there must be a reason why I’ve been unable to snag a boyfriend, even though at this point I would probably go out with a paper bag if it was capable of asking me. I’m sure that my social awkwardness and crippling shyness has something to do with it. But I’ve really improved on my social skills in the past three years, and I’m fairly normal now.

            I came across a book today, about astrology and how your birthdate dictates your personality. Now, I don’t really believe in that junk, but by coincidence the book said that people with my birthday typically have problems with relationships because we have trouble really opening up and getting close to people. I think that is a pretty good description of me. I think this is probably a leading reason for my constant singleness. Not that there’s anything I can do about it, but I guess it’s good to know.

            The only reason I started thinking about this again was because I was Facebook stalking a guy I had a huge crush on all though highschool … and middle school… and part of elementary school. And I saw something that his girlfriend had posted on his wall: “Miss you babe! Can’t wait to see you!” and it made me gag. Yep, I’m THAT immature. But I can’t imagine ever saying that to someone, let alone posting it for the whole world to see and roll their eyes at.

            Seriously though, “babe”? Ew.