another summer job… another co-worker crush

I thought I would have learned my lesson after the fiasco last summer with the janitor. In a nutshell: I had a crush on him but didn’t know him that well and then we went to the movies and I realized I really didn’t like him at all but he suddenly liked me a whole lot more. Luckily I only had a week left at work, but it was an awkward week.

This year I’m working with someone I went to high school with. The one main difference in the situation is that I feel like I know this guy much better than I ever knew the janitor. But still, I guess I don’t know him all that well. But I’ve known him for a long time and I feel like I have a better idea of who he is than I did of the other guy.

I liked him when we worked together a few years ago and I’ve been trying to keep the crushing at bay for the past month. When it comes to crushing, I can get pretty hard-core. So, I’m trying to avoid that. But I can’t deny that I like him… a lot. Every day I like him more. My favorite days at work are the ones when I’m standing next to him.

I really kind of hate myself for being so cheesy. It would all be easier if I just thought of him as a friend. Because nothing is going to happen. It’s just not. But, boy, do I have an active imagination.

And no matter how realistic I try to be, a tiny corner of my brain always pipes up and tells me it’s possible. It’s the same part that tells me that I can do anything and be anything that I want. It’s that same part that tells me that one day I will be a published writer. But it cannot be trusted. I’ve always secretly been a dreamer. But I’m just going to end up sad once again when nothing happens.

But nothing has happened for my entire life. Odds are, something has to happen eventually. Right? It’s just simple statistics. Maybe that something could happen this summer? I’m waiting… I feel like I’ve been waiting since I was fourteen. I want the waiting to be over so badly, but I’ve been expecting it to end for just as long. And clearly the odds are not in my favor.

Either way, crushing on a co-worker seems like such a bad idea. But sometimes it feels so good. In the end, I’ll probably regret it. But for now, I’ll enjoy the butterflies in my stomach and the smile I can’t keep down when he’s around me.

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Three Summers Back (Short Story)

So, it was three years ago. The summer before my senior year of college. And I was just so ready to get on with my life and get out of that damn town. I got a job at this little deli. It was like hell on Earth. I was working with these kids right out of high school and they were bossy as hell.

Dalia was the worst. She’d only been working there for two weeks, but you would have thought she was my boss. Then there was Martin. Whitest kid you ever saw, but acted like he was straight outta the projects. Just turned eighteen, but he had a different girl every week. Don’t think one of them was ever over fifteen years old. He would just say the most inappropriate shit. Funny as hell. He asked me if I was a virgin on my first day, then winked at me and said I wasn’t his type anyway. I thought he was gay for about two weeks.

And Connor, of course. He had the dirty job. Cleaned the bathrooms, swept, kept the kitchen clean. Only worked a few hours a day, but every time I saw him I smiled a little too big. I was not the flirting type, but between Connor and Martin you would’ve thought I was the type of girl to date a different guy every night. But I never liked Martin that way, and Connor was just… so awkward.

I did like him, I really did. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him that now, but he believed it back then. If I could go back and change how that all went – I don’t know. We did have fun. But when I left on that last day, he just looked at me like I’d ripped up his heart like an old receipt.

It’s kind of a long story.

An Itch

I have an itch, and not the kind you get from a rash or mosquito bite. And definitely not the kind on a certain commercial which I will not name, for those of you with a dirty mind. I have an itch to do something. Something big.

            My life has been boring and stagnant lately. Although, I tend to feel like this about every three months. I usually just die my hair with temporary hair dye. Cause I’m a chicken. I rarely do anything daring. And on that rare occasion that I do actually do something daring, it is only actually daring to me and no one else would think twice about doing. Like joining the pep band at the start of my freshman year in college. To me, that was HUGE. I felt like I’d just gone sky diving. But to anyone else they would have just been like “I really want to join the pep band, so I’m going to join it. No big deal.” But, like I said, I’m a chicken. So little things seem like great feats to me.

            Lately I haven’t even done anything semi-kind-of daring. Not even in my book. And today I found myself sitting at home alone wanting to do something, but not knowing what I want to do. Although I do know that what I want to do is not something I can find at my house. I’ve been sitting here all summer kind of trying to get in shape, and kind of trying to write a book, and kind of trying to clean my room. But in actuality I’m not really accomplishing anything.

            Earlier I was watching an episode of Glee (cause I’m a dork and it’s kind of awesome) and one of the characters said this: “the only life worth living is one that you’re really passionate about”. Wow, I know I’m cheesy, but that’s a great quote! Actually I might write it down and tape it to the wall above my bed. It kind of struck a chord with me though, because I totally think this is a great mantra to live by, but I’m not living this way at all. I’m not passionate about anything right now. Well, I’m passionate about school, and writing, and my future. But those aren’t really all that tangible right now, except maybe writing, but I can’t sit around all day everyday writing. I really want to be passionate about something. All I can think about though is traveling and seeing the world and volunteering in faraway lands. But that all takes money, and I’m flat broke.

            So I guess this blog isn’t really going anywhere, I didn’t really come to any conclusions. I know what I’ve known for a long time: I’m bored with my life and I don’t know how to change it. Sure, once I go back to school I won’t be as bored, and I’ll be happy simply to be out of this little town again. But that’s just a temporary solution. When classes slow down or I don’t have homework or plans with pep band or friends I’m going to get bored again. And next summer hopefully I’ll get an awesome job, but chances are pretty high that I will still be bored. I guess I’ll just see what happens and look for an opportunity to leap into something that I can really be passionate and daring about.

Just Call Me THE DESIGNATED DRIVER

                My official title for the summer should be designated driver. I’m too young to drink legally, and I have no interest in drinking anyway, so that means I’m always sober. I often spend many Friday nights driving my drunken brothers or cousins around.

                One of my four brothers was recently in town for his ten-year class reunion. He doesn’t come to town very often because every time he does he gets ridiculously drunk and makes a fool of himself. He’s done it once again and probably won’t return until my cousin’s wedding in September. He’s what you would call a mean drunk.

                I was also the official DD on the fourth of July. As soon as the fireworks ended I hopped in my mom’s car (cause it has lots of seats) and weaved through traffic to pick up my brother (a different brother than the above mentioned), a few cousins, and their posy of friends. Never have so many people squished into my mom’s minivan. Although some of them are known to be very mean drunks, they were mellowed out by a day full of sun and friends. So the two hours spent stuck in traffic, picking people up, and dropping people off wasn’t too bad.

                Tonight I will once again heard people into my mom’s minivan and drive them home after a night spent drinking. This is my life, and it’s not too bad.

Is It August Yet? Because My Family Is Driving Me Crazy!

            I love my family, but sometimes I just want to chuck the TV remote at their heads. I still have two full months till I go back to school, and that means two more months living in the town I worked so hard to leave and two more months living in a house full of people who I care so much about but who can always manage to disappoint me or piss me off with no effort at all.

            I’m constantly being told to get a job, even though I’ve tried and even though I got straight A’s for the last seven years so my parents wouldn’t have to pay for my college. I’m also teased all the time for being super white because I don’t go outside much, but I’m not like my brothers, I don’t like to spend my free time running or disc golfing. But the thing that annoys me the most, is my family bugging me about eating healthy and exercising. I’m not super healthy, but I would argue that I’m basically as healthy as anyone else in my family. Sure, my brothers work out like all the time, but they also smoke pot all the time and get drunk whenever they get the chance, plus they get sun burnt on a weekly basis. My dad acts like he’s the healthiest person in the whole damn world, but he drinks too much and smokes cigars daily, he’s also stressed out and grumpy all the time. I want my family to be healthy and I worry about them all the time, but I don’t constantly tell them what I think they need to change about their lifestyles.

            I really wish everyone would just look at what they’re doing wrong in their own lives instead of focusing on mine. No one even realizes how much they are annoying me until I explode, and then they just think I’ve gone crazy. I really can’t wait till August rolls around and I get to go back to doing what I do best: school.

End of the Semester Stress Overload

            It’s the last thirty days of my first year in college… oh my goodness. The pressure is on. Unlike a lot of other colleges, my school held its spring break a month ago. I think we are all very ready for summer. I’m so stressed out that I’m getting mixed up all the time. I went to my piano class thirty minutes early this morning and stood there for ten minutes wondering if it was cancelled before returning to my room to check my schedule. A couple of days ago I woke up to see 7:59 on my clock and jumped out bed frantic to get to class on time. About thirty seconds into my panic I realized it was a Thursday and I didn’t have class till 1pm. I know the time change was almost a month ago, but it’s still throwing me off! And for the past two months I’ve been dreading meeting with my faculty advisor to discuss classes for next year. Luckily I’m getting that over with tomorrow. Then all I have to worry about is actually getting into the classes I want to take. I am lucky in that a few of my classes don’t have finals, just huge projects and or presentations.

            I’ve loved my first year of college and it’s gone by faster than I could have imagined. But, I’m wholeheartedly ready for summer… although I’m not so ready for the whole getting a job thing. Just one more thing to add to list of things to stress about.