Staying Close

As I was glancing through my unread emails today something occurred to me. I saw the subject line for an email from the Career Resource Center at my alma mater informing me of a managerial position in Oregon. I deleted it without thought and kept scrolling.

It’s highly unlikely that is would have been the type of job I would apply for, but four months ago I would have at least looked at it. Before I graduated in May I decided that I would be willing to move pretty much anywhere if it meant I could start a career.

I addition to applying for jobs all over California, I also applied for jobs in New York, New Jersey, and Ohio. In hindsight it wasn’t the smartest tactic. Why would these places bother with interviewing me via Skype when there are more than enough qualified candidates applying close by? Regardless, I would have been willing to move for the right job. I was even excited about the prospect of starting new.

Now I have no interest in moving out of Northern California. Sure, if I was offered a chance at my dream job I would accept without a second thought, regardless of location. But that is not going to happen. I’ve stopped looking for jobs outside of the area. And when I was deciding upon graduate schools to apply to I decided to cross the Southern California schools off of my list.

It’s not that I want to stay where I am. I don’t, I assure you.

It’s almost more embarrassing than that…

I don’t want to move any farther away from my boyfriend. He’s currently going to school about four hours away, and I want to be closer to him.

I never thought I would be that girl. The one who makes important life choices based on a guy. But here I am. I picked my first choice grad school before we were even technically dating, and one of my favorite things about it is that it’s only an hour drive from his school. It also happens to have an incredible one year program, but I would be lying if I said the proximity to my boyfriend has nothing to do with why I want to go there so badly. It isn’t the only reason, but it was a factor in my decision making process.

We’ve only been dating for two months and this scares me a little bit. I always said I would never let a guy get in the way of my career. But then, I’d never had a boyfriend before. And I certainly don’t mean to sound like he’s holding me back. He’s incredibly supportive and encouraging. If anything, I’m holding myself back – or will hold myself back in the future, nothing has really happened yet. But I don’t want it to come to that.

I guess what I’m really worried about is that having a boyfriend has changed more than I’ve realized. There are good changes, or course: It’s nice to have someone to talk to, to know that if I have to go through something difficult he will be there, to receive sweet text messages at random, etc.

But being in a relationship also comes with some constrictions:

  • There is a time commitment (which is fine with me right now because I don’t have a life).
  • I’m no longer single, so I can’t get drunk and make out with random strangers (I’ve never actually done that, but it sounds fun, right?).
  • I’m more reluctant to do things that are irresponsible (like booking a trip to France even though I’m $50,000 in debt with student loans), because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m crazy.
  • I’m attached to him, and that means I don’t want to move half way across the country for a job that may or may not work out.

From where I’m sitting right now, it’s hard to tell if any of those are actually that bad. Honestly, I kind of feel like having a boyfriend (not just any boyfriend, but this particular boyfriend) is good for me. I’m just afraid that five years from now I’ll realize that I was wrong.

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Falling in Love… It’s Not Like in the Movies

Ok, so I’m going to be cheesy for a while (I apologize in advanced).

Last summer I worked in a sandwich shop (I still work there, unfortunately) and I worked with a guy I went to high school with (well, we’ve actually known each other since elementary school). Long story short: I really liked him and apparently he liked me too, and when he went back to school we kept in touch and when he came home for Thanksgiving break I took him as my date to my cousin’s wedding, and we decided right there to make it official (even on Facebook!) and we’ve been together since then. (Don’t judge me for the run-on sentence, I realize it’s not grammatically correct and I don’t care.)

I’m 22 and he’s 22 and this is the first time either of us have been in a relationship (also, we shared our first kiss and all that stuff – I will be writing about that soon because I think it’s stupid that society makes us feel bad if we haven’t been kissed by the time we’re 16. And my first kiss at 22 was probably the most perfect first kiss in the history of first kisses, just sayin’).

So everything is new and sparkly and perfect. Honestly, I’m afraid it might be too perfect. Seriously, how can it be this good! It’s even better than in the movies! I thought that movie love was the pinnacle; life could never be as good as fiction. But it’s actually better!

Maybe it’s really not as good as I think, and maybe every relationship feels this good in the beginning. I don’t know. I don’t have anything to compare this to. And since I’ve never done this before, I really don’t know if I am in love, as the title of this post may suggest. I’m certainly in the process of “falling” in love, but as to when I will know for certain that I’ve finished falling, I haven’t got a clue. How do you know when you’re in love? I don’t know. But it’s good, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I do know that it can’t stay this good forever. I’m naïve, I will admit, but I’m not so naïve that I think this will always be perfect. Chances are high that this relationship will end – most relationships end. (I’m just going to make up a fake statistic, but if I had to guess I would say at least 95% of relationships end. Think about it: most people date several people before they get married, and many marriages end too.) I can’t see it ending any time in the foreseeable future, but I also can’t foresee what I will have for lunch tomorrow. It might end, it will probably end, but that’s ok. Because it has been absolutely amazing.

I am dating someone who is kind and smart and thoughtful and ambitious and hardworking and sweet and respectful and attractive and nerdy and who likes me more than I ever thought anyone would. I still can’t believe how lucky I am, because this is better than I thought it could ever get.

Grad School Apps: Done – Life: Resume

It’s been nearly three months since I’ve written a blog post, and I really miss it! I can’t believe that I’ve been doing this for nearly four years now. And even though I’m very sporadic with it, I still feel an absence when I don’t blog for so long.

There are two big reasons why I haven’t had the time or energy (or whatever else it takes… motivation?) to write just for fun. The number one reason (which you can probably guess from the title) is that I was applying to grad school and it was the biggest pain in the butt ever. The other reason is that for the first time in my life I have a boyfriend, and they take a surprising amount of time (not that I’m complaining, its fracking awesome!). Don’t worry, you’ll hear more about the latter very soon

After this post I will try not to complain about grad school applications anymore (but I can’t make any promises). Just know that it really kind of sucked. I’m so incredibly glad that it’s over (although I do still have a couple of follow-up things to deal with, and then there’s the FAFSA. Yuck). I just feel so stupid for only applying to two schools, but there is only really one school I want to go to and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get in – even if I get into a different school. I realize that this is problematic, for more than one reason. But I spent a loooooong making that decision and now I’ve just got to trust it.

I’ll keep you posted as to whether or not I get in, because if I don’t get in I’m sure that I will be ripping my hair out and I’ll need some of this wonderful free therapy that is writing down my feelings and thoughts for strangers to read (or not read… it works either way).

I’ll try not to leave again for so long, it’s not good for me.