The Hassle and Joy of Halloween

            First off: Happy Halloween!!!! Second: does anyone else think this holiday is a hassle? I spent hours and hours in stores looking for a decent and affordable costume. Unfortunately I had to bend on one of these criteria – is there such a thing as an affordable Halloween costume? I’ve never really put much effort into my costume before. I usually just throw something together, but I typically end up looking messy and dorky. For once in my life I wanted to do the stereotypical girl thing and try to sex-ify Halloween. So I bought a very short, tight flapper-style dress and went with that. I was not actually aiming to get a short, tight dress, it just happened. If I’d tried the outfit on before leaving the store I would have gone up a size or chosen something more conservative. But I’m pretty glad I didn’t, because I got some satisfying glances from members of the opposite sex.

            I actually turned out having a fairly good Halloween – not actually on Halloween of course, but on Saturday night. I’m in the pep band, so I went to our volleyball game in my outfit. Lucky for me I happen to have a thing for guys who can play instruments – trombones in particular, I have no idea why – so I got to finally step out of my frumpy, oversized uniform and show off something other than my less-than-stellar clarinet skills. Then my best friend and I attempted, and failed, to go to a dance. How do you fail at such a thing? Well, too many people wanted to go and the room was at capacity, so they couldn’t let everybody else in. But we went, we showed our faces in public, and we even hung out in the cafeteria for a while. That was our exciting night. And considering how much I usually hate dances, I’m not too upset that we didn’t actually go. In fact, I danced for joy the whole way home.

What Makes a Good Friend?

            Who hasn’t had problems with their best friend? No one, that’s who. I hope I’m also not the only one who occasionally thinks that maybe I shouldn’t be best friends with this person. When I first met my best friend I felt like this was a person I wanted to be friends with, I felt like we had a lot in common but also like we were different enough to be good for each other. At the present moment I’m feeling like we are similar in all the worst ways and have nothing important in common. I’m probably just saying this because I’m in a bad mood, but this is my completely anonymous blog – so I can say whatever I want.

            Why am I feeling like this right now? I’ll tell you why: there is a party on campus tonight and I want to go and she doesn’t. The party is literally a one minute walk from our apartment and it is school sponsored so it has a dance floor and games and stuff like that (so it’s not like some wild party). She claims that she doesn’t want to go because she has stuff to do and has work at 8am tomorrow. I’m not arguing with her or trying to convince her to go, I said it doesn’t matter to me (I couldn’t convince her to go if I tried). But the thing is, I keep wondering when she is going to go out of her comfort zone. I do it all the time (although it may not be so obvious to her, because my comfort zone is quite large). If she wanted to do anything – go to a dance, a party, an event – I would go with her, and I have. She has also gone to things I have suggested, but only if she already wanted to go. I just feel like we are in college!!!! We should not be getting eight hours of sleep every night (I don’t, trust me. But she gets like 8-11 hours of sleep a night!!). Having work at 8am is no excuse not to go and at least check it out! This is part of the reason why I wanted to study abroad next semester: I feel like I’m not getting the full college experience. I want to go to parties (occasionally), I want to participate in underage drinking (at least once!!), I want to be busy, stressed, sleep deprived (I’m totally succeeding at this! It’s not fun, but it feels more college-y than anything I else I do). I’m not in college to be a responsible adult; we have the rest of our lives for that. I want to live!

            The other, completely unrelated, reason why I’m mad at my best friend (who is also my roommate) is that she asked me today why I haven’t been doing any of my dishes lately. This alone doesn’t bother me, it’s fine that she called me out on it. I have been forgetful lately (but I by no means have completely stopped doing dishes. I forget to wash a plate here and there and leave forks in the sink occasionally) and have not been the best roommate lately. But I told her that I am extremely stressed out and I’ve just not been myself. I think I’ve been pretty understanding when she is stressed and freaking out. But I feel like since she takes antidepressants and goes to counseling she acts like anyone who doesn’t have an actual diagnosed reason for being upset isn’t actually capable of being legitimately stressed out. Like my problems don’t matter as much as hers because I’m supposedly more mentally stable. I know that I cannot accurately judge her on this issue, but I feel like she doesn’t realize that she is not the only one who has problems. We all have to deal with shit and we all get stressed. My feelings do matter, just as much as hers. I should be allowed to be stressed out and mess up every once in a while. Not to mention the fact that I am an English major and she is a science major, which also means that she thinks that I have way easier classes than her (I will be blogging about this soon, because it is driving me nuts).

            I guess I just want to end this horribly long rant with a question: what makes a good friend? Because I can criticize her all I want, but I know that I’m not a great friend either. I’ve been struggling with this for years, trying to figure out how to be a good friend, and I just can’t get it right. Maybe she doesn’t quite get it either. Maybe none of us do… or maybe it’s just me. I’ve seen many examples of really solid friendships. But I wonder how much of that just shows up on the surface and if there are really problems underneath the façade of smiling faces. We can’t all get along all the time. Maybe what really defines a friendship is how you make it through the periods when you can’t stand each other.

3 Years Ago…

            On October 27, 2008 my brother’s best friend passed away at the age of 18. I’m not going to write about his disease or how unfair it seems that he was taken at such a young age. I just want to briefly tell you how strong he was.

            He was the strongest person I’ve ever known. It doesn’t matter that his bones were weak and his spine was curved. He probably looked like an eighty year old man from afar. He had to use a wheelchair more and more as he got older and near the end he had to start using oxygen. But he was so strong. Stronger than any athlete or body builder could ever be.

            Even though he had come startlingly close to death at least twice that I can remember, I never expected him to die. It was a shock. No matter how strong he was he just couldn’t fight it any longer.

            Whenever I’m struggling or thinking that I have it hard, I remember him and how strong he was. If that sort of strength is capable in someone who has had to struggle every moment in his life, I can summon enough strength to get through whatever I need to get through. Humans are capable of getting through anything – that is what he has taught me. Real strength is not about being tough or untouchable; it’s about fighting whatever it is you need to fight with everything you’ve got.

College, Stress, and Preparing to Study Abroad

            This semester is kicking my ass. I’m currently taking 20 units right now (anything over 18 is overload) and it’s just too much. By the time I get through Monday and Tuesday I’m a complete wreck and I still have to make it through the rest of the week! I know, there are people with real problems, but sometimes you just have to vent. Why does everything have to be so hard?

            Preparing to study abroad next semester is causing me more stress than anything else. I’m trying to figure out how to apply for a visa, I need to fill out yet another packet, I’m required to take a cross-cultural training class which is turning into a nightmare, and that’s all on top of the normal worries of traveling. I’ll need to buy a plane ticket, figure out what to pack, and figure out what my money situation is. I’m also worried that I won’t make any friends, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do on a three-week spring break, imagining myself spending my 21^st birthday alone in my room crying, and freaking out at the idea of getting on a plane for the first time. It’s just so much stress to add to my already full capacity.

            And that class I have to take, I could go on all day. The work load is insane, I can’t do anything right, everyone seems to know something I don’t, I’m pretty sure the professor hates me – and I’m not too fond of her, and I feel like the one point we are supposed to get is that we don’t want to be the stupid American tourist that everyone can recognize from fifty feet away. What is so wrong with that!? I’m an American. I wave to people when I see them, I give people thumbs-up all the time, I use words like “dude” and “bathroom”, I wear jeans and tennis shoes. As long as I’m not offending anyone or giving a bad impression of Americans I don’t see a problem. But my professor acts like the worst thing you can do is act like an American. I’m super excited to meet people from other nationalities, and I hope they are excited to meet me – as I am.

            I’m all for learning about the British culture and their values, customs, and way of life. And I do think it is a good idea to have a better idea of who I am as an American and an individual before I set sail. But I feel like we are over-preparing. I want some surprises; I don’t want to know what is around every corner. What’s the fun in that?

            Anyway, I’m done ranting about that class. I just want to say that this whole study abroad thing sure as hell better be worth it, because there is so much work just to get over there. And I know that once I make it there will still be more work. I fully expect to have the time of my life and to come home feeling like it was so beyond worth the effort. But that pessimist in my head cannot stop thinking of new ways that it could go wrong. I might not get to go at all, it’s definitely possible. I need to pass this class with a 75% – the lowest grade I’ve received in my two-year college education is a B+. But I’ve never had to do well before, it was always a choice. The mere fact that it’s no longer a choice is sending me into a panic. I’m usually an exemplary student, but I’ve been awful lately. I’ve been skipping readings, missing assignments, forgetting all sorts of things, and I even went to class without a pencil the other day! There is a pretty decent chance that I am actually failing that class at this moment. There is still a lot to turn in, but my chances of getting an A are pretty much non-existent. Good bye GPA.

            I guess that’s all I have to say. A bit anti-climactic, I know. Sorry. I’m pretty much going to be going into extreme homework mode now so that I can catch up and stop feeling like such a failure. I just have to make it through the next four weeks, and then I can breathe.

Awkward Friend Situation

            I was trying to think of something to blog about that wouldn’t be about school, like every other post I write. But then I realized that school is my life. I can’t rant about work, or my love life, or friend drama… well, actually! Maybe I do have something to blog about after all! I seriously just thought of this, and it’s not really friend drama, but it could become friend drama.

            So, I have this guy friend, we’ll call him Devon. He’s pretty much the only guy friend I have. The thing with Devon is that he compliments everyone, and he does it all the time. He is constantly telling me I look nice, or he likes my dress, or my shoes are cool, etc. And I can’t tell if he is hitting on me or not. The compliments alone would not bring me to believe he is hitting on me, but he also says other things that make me nervous. The most surprising was when my group of friends started watching a horror movie the other night and he said to me “it’s pretty scary, you might need someone to hold your hand.” WTF!

            I guess I should tell you that I do NOT have any feelings toward Devon except for friendship. And I can say with almost certainty that I will never like him like that. I’m typically pretty open to guys (not that it gets me anywhere – I’m still alarmingly single), but Devon is just not my type. This is all besides the fact that I am friends with his ex-girlfriend. We are all in one big group of friends.

            Chances are pretty good that Devon doesn’t like me in any special way. But he’s making me a bit uncomfortable because I can’t read him, and I don’t want my friends to think that I’m going after him just because he talks to me all the time and I talk back. I’m probably just being silly and paranoid, but I just wish he could either get a girlfriend or stop complimenting me.

Saving Bootsey – (fiction)

            Sometimes I do feel crazy. But I figure everyone is feeling at least a little crazy right now. I hoist the limp body of Bootsey over my narrow shoulders and continue on down the hill. He’s not dead, just lifeless. There’s still hope for him, at least that’s what I tell myself.

            I guess it’s a bit sad when the only living being you know is scraggly gray cat. I guess it’s even worse when that cat is partially zombified, and isn’t technically living. But he has the potentiality of coming back to life, and that’s more than I can say for anyone else I love.

            All I have to do is find the healing flower. It’s rumored to smell like honey and be the color of the perfect sunset. I may not know where to look, but I’ll know when I find it. Bootsey is all I have left, I will find that damn flower if it kills me. It’s not like I would have anything to live for if it weren’t for Bootsey.

            He fought off the zombies the best he could, clawing and hissing at them until he was cornered. He managed to get away with his crazy acrobatic skills, but when we finally got to safety I noticed a small scratch. A zombie scratch.

            He started turning slowly, his eyes fading from yellow to red and his fur becoming coarse and dry. I put a muzzle on him to keep him from biting, and little cat booties to keep him from scratching. He wasn’t yet bloodthirsty, but he was already poisonous. Now he has entered into the final phase of the transformation: hibernation. The calm before the storm.

            He will sleep for exactly twenty-four hours before his eyes open for the last time. All of who he was will be gone. I’ve got my watch strapped securely around my belt. The change will be complete in four hours and fifty-two minutes.

            Thant means that I have four hours and fifty-one minutes to find that damn flower. I continue on through the dense forest, looking for the color of the sunset.

Why am I Still Single?

I’m still currently buried in homework, but that light at the end of the tunnel is so close now. Unfortunately, I really don’t have the time or energy to write a blog post (I had a long, rough day after just three hours of sleep). So I’m going to give you a something I wrote back in August, but forgot to post. I guess I’m still asking the same question now that I was asking myself that night, but now I’ve pretty much given up on trying to get a boyfriend so I can focus on myself (yah right, we’ll see how long that lasts!). So here it is:

            I have some issues, I’ll be the first to admit to that. But I find myself asking the same question on a daily basis: Why the hell can’t I get a boyfriend?

            I’m twenty years old and have never been on a date, been kissed, been in a relationship, and I have only ever been asked out once – when I was in eighth grade and the creepeist guy in class asked me to a dance (rumor is, he’d already been rejected by a dozen other girls). I said no, or course. So, I have basically zero experience with guys. I feel like this should only be the fate of someone who is truly hideous or absolutely horrible to be around.  But I’m not THAT bad. Besides, my best friend has an equally short list of experience (and she’s tall and thin!). So I know that I’m not alone in my awful luck with boys.

            But I really think that there must be a reason why I’ve been unable to snag a boyfriend, even though at this point I would probably go out with a paper bag if it was capable of asking me. I’m sure that my social awkwardness and crippling shyness has something to do with it. But I’ve really improved on my social skills in the past three years, and I’m fairly normal now.

            I came across a book today, about astrology and how your birthdate dictates your personality. Now, I don’t really believe in that junk, but by coincidence the book said that people with my birthday typically have problems with relationships because we have trouble really opening up and getting close to people. I think that is a pretty good description of me. I think this is probably a leading reason for my constant singleness. Not that there’s anything I can do about it, but I guess it’s good to know.

            The only reason I started thinking about this again was because I was Facebook stalking a guy I had a huge crush on all though highschool … and middle school… and part of elementary school. And I saw something that his girlfriend had posted on his wall: “Miss you babe! Can’t wait to see you!” and it made me gag. Yep, I’m THAT immature. But I can’t imagine ever saying that to someone, let alone posting it for the whole world to see and roll their eyes at.

            Seriously though, “babe”? Ew.

A Better Me Starts Now

            So, if you’ve been reading my blog you know that I’m a bit upset about my extreme lack of a love-life. I’m just so mad at myself for making the same mistakes over and over again and failing at every attempt I make to attract a guy. So, I giving up on guys for a while (no, I’m not “switching teams”) and focusing on myself. I want to become a better person, not so I can attract guys, but so that I can be totally happy without a guy. I’ve never been one of those girls who has thought that you can’t be happy unless you are in a relationship, and I never will be. But I have been really wanting a boyfriend (or a date, or anything really) and I’ve been feeling like maybe it will finally be my time soon (I’m twenty years old and have never been kissed). But I’m starting to think that it just isn’t in my cards right now. Someday maybe, but not now. So, I’m just going to try to put guys out of my mind and focus on making myself exactly who I want to be. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m still hoping that Prince Charming will find me when I least expect it. But I’m really trying not to allow that to become my focus, this is about me.

So here are my plans for becoming my best self:

• Be a better student:  Stop procrastinating so much, balance my time, focus on getting straight A’s, and organize my notes and stuff.
• Get into shape:  I went to the gym today and I’m hoping to make it a habit, I also need to stop eating so much crappy dorm food (like top Ramen and frozen pizza), and maybe cut back on my diet soda intake – but not really because I can’t function without my glorious caffeine.
• Be a better friend and roommate:  Clean up my side of the room and try to remember to vacuum and take the trash out occasionally. Stop picking on my best friend, because we live together and sometimes we get on each other’s nerves and I’m usually grumpy because I stay up so late doing homework. Hang out with my friends more, and try to be a fun person to be around. Also, try to be more peppy during pep band – this might require more caffeine.
• Be a better person:  Stop talking about people behind their back, stop Facebook stalking, be nice to everyone, try really hard not to be so argumentative, stop judging people before I get to know them, smile more.
• Learn to dance:  I’ll never be able to dance like my peers, but I can at least kind of figure it out. Or just learn to let loose and rock the sprinkler (the one move I’m great at, but will not do in public).

I’m sure there are other things that I should work on, but for now I think I’ve got a full plate.

Unfriended

I’m a bit heartbroken, and it’s kind of pathetic why. But I’m going to tell you anyway.

            Two years ago I met a guy in one of my freshman classes. I was very attracted to him, like more attracted than I have ever been to any guy ever. And it’s not because he’s some gorgeous sex god. What I am going to say (write) next is quite possibly the cheesiest thing I have ever said, but this is how attracted I was to him: I felt like if God had made someone especially for me it was this guy. And I’m not even a very religious person.

            When I get a crush on a guy I fall really hard, really fast and I like them for a really long time (I’m talking several years). The stupid thing is, I fall for them for really stupid reasons. It’s not like I get to really know these guys and become friends with them and I feel like I know them inside out. I see them in class, I might make small talk with them before or after class, we say hi in the halls or whatever. That’s about it. And based on that little bit of information and what I can gather from Facebook stalking (I’ll talk about this later) I get a massive undying crush on them. It’s stupid and illogical and I hate myself for it, but that’s just how it happens for me. Maybe this is why I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc.

            So, I knew this guy in class and we talked every once in a while. I added him as a friend on Facebook (which was actually really hard for me to do and I felt very bold, like I’d made some big move. That’s about as bold as I get) and he accepted. He occasionally Facebook chatted with me (just about homework) and I had only been on the site for a few months so I thought this was a certain sign that he liked me. He even asked me if he could get a ride somewhere while I was driving home for a long weekend. I was super excited, but he cancelled. That was a long time ago, while we still had a class together.

            After that class ended he kept saying hi to me for like a whole year whenever I would see him on campus. After a while it just got awkward and we barely ran into each other and never spoke. He still smiles when I walk past him, but it’s just friendly. I’m not going to lie, this whole time I’ve been watching his Facebook rather closely to see if he was still single (he is, and has been through this whole thing) and honestly, because he’s really cute and I would look at his pictures sometimes. Not in a perverted way, just in a I wish I had the courage to make a move kind of way. Maybe a bit creepy, sure. But it was just innocent Facebook stalking, we all do it sometimes. I just did it perhaps a bit more often.

            So, I have had a massive crush on this guy for two years. I was just thinking about how much I would like to go to a party, get drunk (for the first time ever), and tell him how much I like him (see my previous post, I just wrote it like an hour before I wrote this, before I went on Facebook). I was listening to sappy love songs (thank you Colbie Caillat) and day dreaming when I went on Facebook. I typed his name in the search bar and clicked on his pictures, and it said “_____ only shares some information with everyone. If you know _____ add him as a friend”. I was initially confused, thinking but we are friends. Then I realized: I had been unfriended. By the guy who I have had a massive crush on for two years.

            I really want to say I understand why he unfriended me, it’s not like we talk or hang out. But the thing is, this guy has hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I know he can’t possibly be actual friends with all of them. So, I don’t understand it, at all. Why did he unfriend me? I thought maybe he was weeding through his friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. And why would he even bother to unfriend me at all? If my posts were annoying he could have just made it so they don’t show up on his news feed (I doubt all of his friends’ posts show up anyway, because that would be A LOT). So I’m a bit worried that one of those stupid “see who has been looking at your Facebook” things has actually worked, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. If it is possible though, I might as well go into hiding now. If that’s not it, then why? I can’t help but take it personally.

            And I’m pissed. Not at this guy (Ok, maybe a little), but at myself. I’m so mad at myself for doing the same thing I always do: allowing myself think that something is possible that isn’t. I actually thought that this guy might have liked me at some point, and I thought that it might be possible that he still liked me. When you never see someone, you can make stuff up and you will have nothing to prove you wrong. But now I know with 100% certainty that he doesn’t like me. And he probably never did.

Something I Secretly Want To Do

I’m just going to throw this out there, no explanations or anything:

            I want to get dressed up, with advice from my friends on how to look hot. I want to drink some alcohol. Then I want to go to a real college party. I want a guy to offer to get me a beer, or show me how to take a shot like they do in the movies (with the lemon and the salt). I want to get mildly drunk and dance with the guy I’ve had a crush on for the past two years (whom I haven’t spoken to in the past year and a half). And I want to tell him that I like him. Maybe I want to kiss him. Then I want to leave and go to sleep and suffer through my first hangover the next day.

            But first I want to lose ten pounds.

There you go. A glimpse into the secret desires of a twenty year old goody-two-shoes.