One Year of Blogging

            I started blogging March 27, 2010. One year ago from yesterday. Darn, I missed the one year mark by a day! This will be my 98th blog post (again, darn, 100 would have been a nice round number). Among those posts there are a few I probably shouldn’t have posted, a few that reveal things that I’m not proud of (my Facebook stalking habit, for instance), a few that reveal my innermost thoughts and dreams. At times I’ve been startled by my honesty; and honestly, I will never give out my blog info to anyone I know unless I delete a significant number of posts. Even so, I don’t regret a single post (well, not that I can think of at the moment).

            I know that everything I write isn’t great, or even decent, and I know that much of what I post may never be read or appreciated. But I am still exceedingly happy that I made a choice one year (plus one day) ago to put the creations of my hobby and my passion on the World Wide Web. Not only do I choose to spend more of my free time writing, but I’m also getting more used to sharing my work with actual living, breathing humans other than my mother. It can be scary to put yourself out there and say “This is what I love to do. I think I’m pretty good at it, what do you think?” It reminds me of a class I had last semester in which the teacher asked us to share something we are good at. For a few minutes we all just stared at each other trying to figure out what to say without sounding like we’re bragging. I was dreading my turn to share, and when it came I shyly said, “Well, I guess I’m good at writing”. This semester I’ve finally had the courage to share some of my work with a few of my fellow English major friends and my roommate (an environmental science major). I cannot say for certain that I would have had that courage if I hadn’t been anonymously posting to this blog for several months.

            Not to sound horribly cheesy, but I’m just a girl (ok, technically an adult in the eyes of the government) with a dream. I’ve been doing a great deal of research on how to become a writer. And the one piece of advice I have come across over and over again is to read and write A LOT. This blog has certainly helped me with writing more, and even with reading more. I have found so many amazing blogs with book reviews (I love reading blogs about books, it just one more secret hobby to put into my secret hobby box), fictional stories, and people simply blogging about their lives. My roommate and family cannot understand why I love reading what others’ write about their life. But there is so much that you can learn about a person from reading their blog. It doesn’t matter if a person is halfway across the world or within a few miles; everyone seems to have something interesting to say. So, along with everything else, learning about other people might be the greatest benefit I’ve received from blogging.

            I’m excited for another year of writing, reading, learning, sharing, and improving. Thank you to anyone who is reading this (admittedly not my most exciting blog post) and anyone who has ever read any of my posts.

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Zombie Fairytale: Part 8

            “Phillip!” I yell looking as far as my eyes can see. “Ma!! Pa!!” I’m screaming as loud as I can, but getting no response.

            Finally I see a glimmer of red down shore, and remember that my mother was wearing a red cloak. I strain my eyes and see two dark shapes join the smudge of red on the shore. I feel the panic in my chest loosen its grip and I turn to run to them. But I’m only just picking up speed when I see a dark figure ahead of me and I skid to a stop, falling over but quickly getting up. I start to run back to where I left Daisy, but only a few feet behind me is another zombie with mouth opened wide.

            I can see the dark figure of Daisy running toward me, so I make a quick decision and turn and run the same direction, towards the first zombie. Sword raised, I look straight into the zombie’s face and send the sword into its stomach. Behind me I can her Daisy stomping as I pull the sword out, but this zombie’s not dead yet. Without even thinking I swing hard and hit the zombie in the side of the head with my blade. His vacant eyes find mine for a second before he falls to the ground motionless.

            I turn to Daisy who’s triumphantly standing over her kill. “It looks like you were ready for some adventure after all,” I tell her. She comes closer and kneels for me to climb on. We start trotting toward my family, keeping a careful eye out this time.

            But we only make it a little farther before a group of zombies emerges from the trees. I’d rather avoid another fight so I turn Daisy to run away, but more zombies are coming out all around us. I take a deep breath, ready to charge past a group of three zombies when I hear hooves coming from the side.

            “Come on, follow me!” I hear a voice say and I turn to see a knight on a horse. Together we break from the zombie pack unharmed. I continue to follow him as he rides west.

Note: This is the last chapter I will be posting. I have more written, so if you read this series and like it leave a comment and I will gladly post a few more chapters. Thanks for reading!

Take Off Heals: A Poem

Take off heals

Change into pajamas

Pull hair up

Wash away makeup

Stop pretending

Resume identity

No more trying

            to be a pretty face

            a sexy body

            a friendly girl

No more hiding

            that I’m terrified

            that this isn’t me

            that I can’t do this

No more waiting

            to be noticed in the crowd

            to win acceptance

            to feel adequate

Turn off light

Crawl into bed

Lay there thinking

Try to find solution

Hope to change

Fall asleep dreaming

An Ambiguous Something

No matter how happy I feel, no matter how proud I am of myself, no matter what I’ve accomplished, there is always this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m missing something. I wish I could say that I’m confused and unsure of what I want in life. That would be simple. But I know exactly what I want and I know I can’t have it. And I know that the reason I can’t have it isn’t because of some outside force, some injustice in the world, or something I can blame my problems on. The reason I can’t have what I want is because I’m standing in my own way. It’s one thing to be angry with someone; it’s an entirely different thing to be angry with yourself.

Zombie Fairytale: Part 7

            I’m completely out of breath, but I wish that I could thank Daisy with more than just a nod of my head. I hear my parents start breathing again and Phillip is looking around, terrified that another zombie might be lurking around every corner. I look around too, and I’m pretty sure that were alone now. We move away from the burning house and stand behind a large tree.

            “Here,” I say handing my best dagger to Phillip. Then I dig a sharp hatchet out of my bag for my father. I give my mother a small knife and an old bow with a quiver full of arrows. I have no idea how to shoot, but I remember her telling me stories about being a great archer when she was young. I pull my sword from my belt and unwrap it quickly. I look up and see my father eyeing the sword with a small smile spreading across his face. I can tell he’s a little surprised that I would steal one of the prince’s best swords, but he seems pretty impressed.

            “We’d better get out of here,” I pause and look around at the burning huts and see that a big group of zombies has crossed the moat by using the fallen tree I saw earlier as a bridge, now they’re staring up at the high wall. I turn back to my family, “Um, does anyone have any ideas about where we should go?” I never had much of a plan beyond doing everything I could to protect my family, now I’m all out of ideas.

            “Let’s cross the river,” Papa says in a rushed whisper, “I’ve heard that there’s a camp a few miles west. The camp isn’t expected to last much longer, but it’s supposed to have strong protection at the moment.” He looks to me seeking approval, and I’m just so glad someone has information and an idea of what to do.

            “Great,” I sigh with relief, “let’s get going.” The river is a short distance away and I can hear the water rushing from where I stand. I’m not sure how we’re going to cross it, but for now I figure its best just to concentrate how to get to it safely. The path ahead looks clear enough, but I know that in the darkness anything could be hiding. “Um, maybe Ma and Phillip should ride on Daisy, and Pa and I could walk on either side?” I really don’t have any idea of what to do, but it sounds logical to me.

            “No. You and Phillip will ride. Your father and I can walk,” my mother says sternly and I don’t think that it’s worth arguing so I mount Daisy and give Phillip a hand up.

            “Ok, everyone ready?” I ask and my family nods their heads, and I can see determination in each of their faces. I wish I felt as sure of this plan as them. “Ok, now!” I say and kick Daisy until she’s at a steady trot. My parents are jogging at my sides and my bother holding on tight behind me. I look from horizon to horizon, expecting to see hungry zombies at any moment, but it’s not until we are a few yards away from the river that I see a group of three come out from behind a tree with blood dripping from their faces and hands, they must have made a kill, but I’m sure they’re still hungry for more.

            “Keep going,” I shout, “don’t stop for anything!” I know the rivers only about four feet deep, but I can tell the current is strong. I brace myself, wishing that my mother was on the horse instead of about to run into the rushing water.

            Daisy charges into the river without hesitation, but I can feel her whole body being pulled down stream. I look to my right and see my mother struggling through the water; I grab her by her arm and hold on as tight as I can. A huge wave engulfs us and before I know it I can’t feel my mother in my hand or my brother behind me. My eyes are just starting to clear when Daisy climbs out of the water and onto the shore. I jump off immediately and look down the river, not seeing anything I start to panic.

Note: I only plan on posting one more chapter (or part) to this story because I don’t think anyone is actually reading it. I have much more written, so if you are reading this series and would like more please leave a comment and I will gladly keep posting.

A Daydream of a Kiss

            I look into his warm brown eyes; my mind goes blank in the best way possible. For the first time in far too long I stop analyzing every little move. I move the slightest bit closer to him and I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks. My chest is tight and I’m not even sure if I’m breathing. But I know my heart is still beating, because I can feel my pulse quickening as he leans in so that his face is just a few inches from mine. He stops and I don’t hesitate to lean into him fast, pressing my lips to his.

            It takes him a second to catch on and kiss me back, hard and sweet at the same time. I’m definitely breathing now, and my cheeks are as warm as ever. We stop for a second and I look into his eyes before closing mine and kissing him with more passion than I ever thought I possessed.

            Within a minute I’m pushed against a wall, and for the first time notice how much my legs are shaking. I don’t want to ever stop kissing him, but if I don’t sit down soon I’m surely going to fall over. I pull away, kissing him softly a few times before sitting down on the ground and taking a long deep breath.

            He sits down next to me and takes my hand and in that instant the whole world rushes back to me. The sun is shining on us and the wind is gently rustling the leaves in the trees. A few people are walking on the path a short distance away. The ground is hard beneath me, my back is against a brick wall, I’m breathing in the sweet spring air, and I’m holding his hand in mine.

A Random Blog: About A Boy I Can’t Get Off My Mind

            It is 8pm and I have sooooo much reading due tomorrow that I’ve barely even started (I’m not loving the time change either!). I should NOT be blogging right now. But I can barely contain myself! Yes, I’m going to blog about a boy, again. I have no one to chat with! My best friend/ roommate and I chat about basically everything, except crushes. So, hello there, would you like to hear about my nonexistent love life?

            So, I met this guy a few days ago during a school trip. As I was with a group of about forty college kids for three days, I saw quite a lot of him. And I liked what I saw. He is so sweet, and cute, and nice, and friendly, and happy, and dorky. Basically, he is borderline perfect. And he actually talked to me. Guys don’t typically show much interest in me, but I would almost go so far as to say he almost seemed like he might like me. I don’t have much experience in the realm of attraction or flirting (err, well, I’ve been attracted to loads of guys, but I never get the signal that they are attracted to me). So, I’m not sure if it’s just his personality to be really friendly and chatty, or if he singled me out to be friendly and chatty with. And if he did single me out is it because he just thought I looked nice, or could have possibly thought I looked cute? If you haven’t noticed, I like to analyze EVERYTHING.

            Anyway, this isn’t what I’m really concerned with. Actually I’m not concerned with anything, for a change. I’m quite happy. But I can’t stop thinking about this guy and, frankly, how much I want him. I re-watched the movie Stranger Than Fiction about a week ago (if you haven’t seen it you should, it’s good) and can’t help thinking of the line “I want you”. I think it’s a great pickup line (as far as pickup lines go), but also, I think it describes my feelings so well. I don’t know exactly why I want this guy so bad, I just know I do.

            Also, I suppose it is worth noting, that guys aren’t the only ones who objectify the opposite sex and day dream about them taking off their clothes. This really doesn’t have much to do with my post; I just wanted to let you know if you happen to be a guy and didn’t already know. Not that I only like this guy for his body. I thought he was cute, but barely ever noticed him until we started talking. His personality is the reason I’m sitting around thinking about him, I just might happen to be thinking about his body.

            Anyway, I just had to blog because I should be reading Jane Eyre, but I’m way too hyper to concentrate because I’m thinking of this guy and smiling like a loon. Before I met him I had a huge crush on another guy who I almost never see anymore (I’ve blogged about him loads of times), but that crush has now taken up second place in my mind. By the way, I’m the type of girl who always has a crush on at least one guy. The last time I wasn’t crushing on someone was when I was about four years old. A bit sad considering I’ve never even been on a date.

            Ok, this concludes my very random, pointless, disjointed blog post. Sorry that it didn’t really have a purpose, I just had to get some things off of my chest so I can get my homework done!

Facebook Confessions: To My Crush

 The guy I have a crush on is NEVER going to read this, nor would I ever tell him that I do any of these things (because I’m aware of how creepy and stalker-ish they seem… and are). But these are the things I would have to confess to if I was the honest type:

(1) I check your Facebook relationship status almost every day (sometimes more) to make sure you’re still single. And I smile everyday when I read “single”.

(2) I put on angst-y love songs and look through your Facebook pictures. You have the most gorgeous eyes, by the way. Actually, you’re just gorgeous in general.

 (3) You sent me an invite to an event last week and my stomach instantly felt like it was full of butterflies. Even after I realized you’d basically invited your entire friends list, it still made me smile.

(4) I get nervous about the girls in your pictures with you and the girls who write on your wall. I compare myself with them and hope that you’re just friends.

(5) I dread the day when I read “Bob Scotts* is in a relationship with ________”, but I feel that it is inevitable because I think that you are such a great guy.

            *Name had been changed

No One Can Find Z: A Poem

An A is all I wanted,

But I got a

C

Do you know

Everything in me screamed

Fail!!!!

Good grief

How does this keep happening!

I try and try, but I

Just

Keep

Letting

Myself down!

Never able to

Overcome my faults, my

Plans going to waste! I might as well

Quit before it’s too late, before the

Revolving door

Slams in my face, knocks out my

Teeth and

Unveils my inability to be

Victorious.

We all know that

X leads to Y, and

Y leads to X, but no one can find

Z.

To Study Abroad or Not to Study Abroad: That is the Question (And an Unexpected Reflection on Friendship)

            Lately I’ve been researching opportunities to study abroad. After a lot of research I decided on a university in Scotland (it’s not for sure, I haven’t met with an advisor yet to see how it would work. But I think I’ve done enough research to know it’s a definite possibility). It seems perfect and like a totally new experience. But (there is always a “but” isn’t there?) I started wondering why I want to study abroad so bad.

            Sure, it’s a great opportunity that I may never have again. I’ve never been in an airplane, I haven’t seen much of the world outside of California –just Nevada, Baja California (Mexico), and Nebraska when I was really young–, the biggest risk I’ve ever taken was moving three hours away for college, and I want to experience something new. But in reality I’m rather shy (working on it!), meeting new people scares me, large groups send me into a panic, and the mere thought of being in a foreign country all by myself makes me nervous. So why do I want this so bad?

            I keep thinking of all the ways it could wrong: I might not make any friends, I might revert back to being even more shy, I might get sick, the country might break out into war, a volcano could explode, an earthquake could kill me… you see, I like to over think everything. But I also think of all the amazing things that could happen: I could make new friends, have a great time, learn about a culture and a country I know very little about, break free of my shyness, become more of the person I’ve always wanted to be… the list could probably go on forever (and if I go much further it will get as absurd as the previous list). Is it worth taking those risks in hopes of something great happening? And I guess the most likely scenario would be a mix of bad and good experiences.

            And this brings me back to what has been bothering me for a few weeks now: will the mix of good and bad I experience abroad be better than the mix of good and bad I would experience if I stayed here? Until recently I haven’t really been worried about what I would miss out on if I left for a semester, because honestly school hasn’t been going great. And I’m not talking so much about academics because I honestly love the college I’m at, but I’m referring to feeling like I don’t belong as much as I should. Last year I met my best friend Lexi, and she’s the closest friend I’ve had in years, but other than that I haven’t forged very many close relationships. Coming out of high school as a complete loner I thought it was the best thing in the world to finally have a close friend, and I’m still super happy to have Lexi, but I’m realizing that having one friend and a bunch of acquaintances still gets lonely. I don’t want to be miss popular or anything, but I would like to have a group of friends. So I figured, only having one close friend, if I left for a semester she would still be here when I get back and maybe I would make some friends abroad and not miss out on much while I’m gone.

            But things have changed since the beginning of the semester. I’ve gotten close to people I met last semester, and I would now call them my friends. I’m not great at making friends (in case you haven’t notice), and it takes me while to get close to people, but I think I’ve really made some new friends and it makes me really happy. I’m getting closer to my fellow English majors through English club, and I finally don’t feel like an outsider in my department. I sit with my friends during class and chat; it’s been a long time since I’ve had that. Now one of my new friends is co-creating a new professional fraternity on campus for language majors. I never thought in a million years I would be rushing and joining anything Greek. Granted, it is different because it is professional and not social, and it is brand new so we would be the first “pledge class” ever so all those weird initiation things aren’t really established yet (I’m still not exactly sure what any of this means because I’ve been vehemently avoiding anything to do with sororities since I started college). But I’m going to try to join it, I’m pretty sure I’ll get in, and then that will be one more thing to tie me to the campus and hopefully help me make more friends.

            The more friends I make and the more involved I am in campus clubs and activities the more hesitant I am to move halfway across the planet for a semester. There’s so much more I could be missing out on now that I feel like I truly belong. And I’m scared of losing my new friends, missing out on opportunities to establish more close relationships, and losing that feeling of belonging which I have for the first time since eighth grade. There’s also the issue of my best friend Lexi. I couldn’t imagine going to school for a semester here and having her away studying abroad. So I know she won’t like the idea of having me gone either. I haven’t noticed until recently because I was too concerned with myself, but she doesn’t have all that many more friends than me. She kept asking why I would ever want to study abroad, which I always answered with “who wouldn’t want to study abroad?” But maybe our friendship means as much to her as it does to me, which is a really hard concept for me to get my head around because I’ve always felt that my friendships up to this point have been more one-sided. I’ve always felt that I needed and wanted a friendship to work more than the other person, although I never managed to show this effectively as I’ve always managed to drift away from those friends who mattered most to me because I was always afraid they secretly didn’t want to be my friend. I now see that this probably wasn’t true, and I really wish I’d seen this when I was younger because life would have been so much easier with friends. But that’s what growing up it about: learning. This is just another lesson, and it took me way too long to finally get it, but I’m glad I finally feel like my friendship matters to others.

            Anyway, I didn’t exactly mean for this post to turn into a reflection on my past friendships and current ones, but that’s usually what happens when I write. I start in one place and end up in another, and I usually come to some realization along the way. One more reason why I love writing so much.

            Ok, back on topic. If I take this wonderful opportunity to study abroad and experience something totally new – an opportunity which I may never have again – I may risk my newfound sense of belonging by placing myself in a foreign country surrounded by new people, new opportunities, and old problems. Will I get more out of a semester in Scotland than I will out of a semester here with my new friends? I guess it’s impossible to know. But I don’t think I can pass up an opportunity like this. Even if studying abroad goes bad, at the very least I will learn more about the country and more about myself. And learning about myself is the best way of figuring out how to make myself more happy and more of who I want to be. So for now, I’m going to go ahead with my plan, it’s not set in stone and it could very possibly change, but I’m going to try very hard to find a way to study abroad. Maybe it won’t be Scotland, but I think it would be worth it to go anywhere that I am able to. Because no matter if my original motive for wanting to leave the country was to escape from my problems, the only motive I have for not leaving is fear. I’m going to take my chances because learning to take risks is a lesson I still need to learn.